size ate.

2011-04-03T10:48:00.001-04:00

after much, much, much handwringing, i've decided to close up shop here on the size ate blog.

i know, it's probably not much of a surprise to any of you (are there any of you left?) since i've been M.I.A for almost a year now and posting was spotty for a year or so prior to that, but i wanted to write one last post to explain my decision because i think it's a healthy one. i also think it's possible that many of you might someday find yourself in a similar position and be scared (like i've been) to cut the cord. it might seem completely impossible to you now, but someday you might find that it's time to kill your own ED/body image blog, delete the ED/body image blogs from your bookmarks, store your ED books in the basement and move on to exploring and expressing something new. not because you're perfectly recovered - we know there's no such thing and our recovery is a work in progress - but because you're so much better and the world is so much bigger than your disordered eating and your body image.

and isn't that the point of getting better? to live? to try new things? to grow?

my disordered eating and body image scheisse is a part of my history. an important part of my history that has, in many ways, molded and shaped who i am today, but as a part of my history, it should probably stay there. i hope my story will, like history lessons always do, continue to help others navigate the present, but it's time for me to move on and write new stories. a marriage story; maybe a new mommy story; a food truck story; a new blog about living happily, hopefully and healthfully; a new show about the insanity that is WEDDING.

i don't know!

and isn't.

that.

lovely.

i was discussing size ate's role in my life with my therapist the other day - something we've done a lot of over the past year or so - and i said to her, "ya know. i just don't feel like talking about myself anymore."

she looked me in the eye and surprised me by saying, "margaux, that's a sign of recovery."

(my "doh!" moment.)

and so, i took that as a sign that it's time to sign off.

this blog will remain as is, and i hope that women and men, young and old will happen upon it from time to time and find comfort and inspiration here. i'll still be performing the show occasionally and will keep that site updated with show locations and times, so check in there if you're still interested in seeing the show live. i've also got a film version of the show in the works (if only in my head at this point, but isn't that where all good things begin?). i'll post updates on all new projects on my Facebook pages, so the best way to stay in the loop would probably be there (size ate page and my own personal page). be my friend, please.

also, i'm not pulling a J.D. Salinger, so PLEASE feel free to get in touch with me at margrocks (at) gmail.com if you need anything - support, NYC hotel recommendations, wedding advice (that's easy: elope).

it's been an honor to share my story with you, and i hope in some small way that it's helped you shape yours. by reading my words you've helped me heal. thank you.

love,
margaux.

where the hell have i been?

2010-04-07T11:08:00.001-04:00

well, folks! i'm getting married! this july, to be exact! so, as you might expect, i am knee-deep in wedding planning. in an effort to make time to indulge my type-A planning tendencies, wrap my brain around this wonderful and scary and courageous leap called marriage and to - oh, i dunno - be fully present for the entire thing, i'm taking an indefinite break from size ate. as always, this isn't "farewell", it's just "see ya later."

life happens. it's very important to make room for it.

size ate is baaaaack! & merry, mindful holiday eating

2009-12-22T20:35:00.002-05:00

i just wanted to check in to let you all know that i'm performing SIZE ATE (i'm playing with it in all caps. what do you think?) in NYC again, january 14-16. it's open to the public. please do come! more details and ticket info here. i hope to see you all there!

wouldn't a pair of tickets to the show be a great last-minute holiday gift? ( ;

lord knows i've been a stranger, and i'm sorry, but my life is filled to the brim these days, and it's just not leaving a lot of room for regular blogging. i hope you are all enjoying your holidays: staying sane and soulful and sweet. as i write this, gingerbread is baking in the oven and an apple cinnamon candle flickers on the coffee table. le sigh... i love Christmas.

speaking of sanity and the holidays, my dear friend and co-inspirator, Susan Weiss Berry, was kind enough to write up some tips on Merry, Mindful Eating during the Holidays. read them and be like a sponge: absorb. have a wonderful holiday, happies. enjoy every blessed morsel of it. and i don't just mean the food.

1. Eat between the extremes. This year, instead of restricting what you eat, try this: regardless of what you weigh, how much weight you think you need to lose, or what you ate yesterday, each time you are physically hungry (sensations in your stomach) eat the foods you truly want and work towards stopping when you are just comfortable (before full). Become aware (mindfulness=no judgements) of when you are physically hungry vs. when you just want to eat (appetite =emotions, stress). Instead of criticizing say: "Isn't that interesting? I'm not really hungry right now, I just want to eat because...", or "Here's what I'm hoping the food will do for me." When you do eat, pay attention to the food as it enters your mouth. Chew slowly; put your fork down between bites. Close your eyes and tune into the tastes, textures and sensual pleasures of the food. "Do I like this? Do I want more? Have I had just enough?"

2. Do you want peace or a piece of pie? Holiday parties can overwhelm with a variety and abundance of food. Before you eat, place your hand on your belly and ask: "Am I hungry? Physically? Or do I want to eat because… it’s time; I’m stressed, I’ll never, ever get to have any of this food again," or "Aunt Agatha is giving me agita?" Survey the spread and choose only the foods that really “hum” to you by asking, “Do I want something hot or cold? Salty or sweet? Crunchy or smooth?” Don’t over think this— go with your gut. Remember, foods are not good or bad and you are not good or bad for wanting them.

3. Avoid the Virtue Trap: The Voice of Virtue (perfection) is Fear Mind. It carries on, yapping in your head, "if you eat this one cookie, this one slice of pumpkin pie, it’s all over, it’s ruined." BIG FAT LIE! Truthfully, challenging our conditioning around food takes time and courage, but in the long run, it’s so much simpler to respond to Hunger and Satiation in the moment, than to carry around a Weight Watcher’s scale and a tally sheet. And being perfect, by the way is totally, and completely impossible!

4. Trust your brilliant body- If you feel like you’ve eaten too much—like you end a meal too full, instead of getting into a panic, reacting by bingeing or starving to punish yourself for being too full, just stay busy while the food is digesting. Say, "oh well, no big deal," and turn your attention to something enjoyable. It’s amazing but after a couple of hours, you will no longer be full, and maybe you will have made a gorgeous beaded bracelet, watched a fascinating movie, or finished an amazing book.

5. Assess the stress: Notice the more nerved out you get, the bigger the knot in your stomach gets, the more shallow your breathing becomes and the more you want to eat/restrict? It’s challenging to know what the body truly needs when it’s anxious/stressed. To create the calm you crave, try this: Leave the group. Go to the bathroom, wash your hands slowly with warm water, or just close your eyes and take a deep breath. Listen to the tightness in your stomach, chest, throat or shoulders. Sit down, exhale through your mouth then inhale through your nose. Feel your shoulders drop, your stomach relax. Now breathe slowly and gently through your nose for 1-2 minutes. Your body will relax even more. Allow yourself as much time away from the group as you need. Take good care of you. Repeat as needed.

6. Stay in the Moment: Fear Mind enjoys rewinding to Christmas 1980 or fast-forwarding to Hanukkah 2020. It enjoys rehashing negativity and predicting dire futures. I say "Bah-humbug." The present moment is a safe haven from Fear Mind who loses all power in this tick of the clock. When you hear words like should, have to or what if, you know a Fear Mind fable is on the way. Try this: Label troubling thoughts as Thinking and redirect your attention through your five senses: sparkly candles, sweet Christmas Carols, smell of pine, spicy cinnamon eggnog, cold snow on your skin. This is what’s real and true right now. This is the present moment. All is well.

7. Bring Your Toolbox: Instead of using food, we can create portable, lightweight tools that distract and comfort us when we feel stressed, anxious or uncomfortable. It might be a pile of People Magazines, music, knitting, books, puzzles, nail polish, crayons, games, naps, walking, or calling a friend. Pack whatever works for you. Befriend yourself.

8. Set limits: Know how much time you can comfortably spend at holiday gatherings. Let hosts know in advance when you’ll need to be leaving. Take breaks often to assess the stress and decide, do I need to leave the dinner table? The room? The house? Be Mindful of information your body’s sending to you and let yourself have a break whenever needed to get your balance back. Ask: What is the most loving thing I can do for myself right now? Use your tool box; create exit strategies.

9. Make a list: Holidays are a great time to review the year. Instead of focusing on what you did not like, ignore the critic and pay attention to what you are grateful for. Include the smallest details: I can see, hear, walk. List the things you are proud of (include the smallest things: I walk my dog in the rain, I get up and go to work regardless). Comfort and joy, acceptance and compassion are the perfect gifts to give to yourself and others. Keep giving all year. As Pema Chodrun says, ''Mindfulness practice isn't about trying to throw ourselves away and become something better. It's about befriending who we are already.''

10. Start A New Year This Year- Winter holidays can be a source of solace or stress. It all depends on your point of view. It’s easy to become over-focused on piles of potatoes and pumpkin pie not as a source of pleasure but as a way of medicating uncomfortable feelings. This year, instead of adopting the Fear Mind philosophy--"who gives a crap, I’ll diet Jan 1st," try this: Pretend the New Year begins 12/22, the day after the Solstice, when Light returns and the days grow longer. A time of hope and renewal. Light a candle. All is well.

11. Let go. Overeating/undereating is not a crime and does not make you a bad person. As a gift, give yourself a break. Name the thoughts and feelings that come up like, "oh, this is anger, this is how it feels in my belly, my throat." After naming feelings, let them go. Live in the present moment—in what is true and real NOW! Let go of worrying about what you ate an hour ago, or last night. Don’t punish yourself. You don’t have to be perfect. See the humor in all situations and respect where you are right now. Take good care of yourself in all circumstances. 'Tis the season to be jolly. Keep learning, breathing, laughing.

Susan Weiss Berry, MS, CNS is the owner/director of Evolved Eating in NYC and an expert in the fields of Eating Disorders, Emotional Eating and Mindfulness (www.evolvedeating.com).

how do you cope with the holidays and food?

holidays are so much more enjoyable for me now that i have full permission to eat anything i want. what's weird and beautiful is that i'm far less likely to overeat. i've also learned a lot about my limits as well as my tastes. i don't like feeling super full, and it turns out i don't even like apple or pumpkin pie. now i save that precious belly-space for chocolate items!

what does recovery mean to you?

2009-10-25T12:52:00.002-04:00

getty images

last week, i performed size ate at Dominican College in Orangeburg, NY. after the show, a young woman came up to me and after a few initial pleasantries, asked, "so... there is no clinical definition of recovery out there. what does recovery mean to you?"

hm.

good question.

of course, my recovery is all i can discuss because the path to recovery is varied and many, and my recovery is the only recovery i'm an expert on (and even that is debatable on certain days).

what does my recovery look like?

not scheduling my meals, but eating intuitively, like a toddler. when i'm hungry and with passion, enjoyment and curiosity. sitting down to a meal, ordering and enjoying(!) whatever my body wants and needs - a cheeseburger with bacon and fries, or brown rice with chickpeas and broccoli raab, or a 2nd piece of birthday cake - eating until i'm full, then stopping because satiated, not stuffed. all of this happening without too much handwringing or having to give it too much thought. then coming back and doing it again when my belly starts to gently rumble.

exercising when my body and mind craves movement - enjoyful movement - not because i am trying to tone or lose or tighten. not scheduling 5 daily workouts/week because the exercise magazine says so. moving because it brings me joy and because it helps me live my life with less anxiety and fewer migraines.

knowing how to recognize the self-destructive thoughts as just that, thoughts, not instructions. not truth, just thoughts. thoughts that i have the choice to listen to or not. then, when these thoughts beckon, knowing how to take care of myself, mother myself. metaphorically, letting that little girl throw her temper tantrum, or picking up that scared little lonely girl into my arms and letting her cry and shushing her to sleep with kind words, a warm bath and hot tea.

that's pretty much it.

simply put, recovery for me, is freedom. freedom to eat, to move and to feel whatever it is i need and want and not being bound by what others tell me how i should eat, how i should move, how i should feel.

in my case, recovery has yielded me a life populated by coulds as opposed to shoulds.

what does your recovery mean to you? struggling? if you could ask a Genie to grant you recovery, what would it look like to you? no limits.

finally! bodyPeacebyPiece

2009-10-13T10:18:00.000-04:00

begins this saturday 10/17! for more info and to sign up, click here.

anyway

2009-09-04T11:32:00.000-04:00

bought this birthday card yesterday for my absolutely wonderful, amazing, illuminate acting teacher, Elizabeth Browning. the words on the front are inscribed on the wall of Shishu Bhivan, a children's home in Calcutta, and i wanted to share them with you. if i can, i'd like to live my life this way.

People are unreasonable, illogical and self-centered. Love them anyway.

If you do good, people will accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Do good anyway.

If you succeed, you will win false friends and true enemies. Succeed anyway.

Honesty and frankness make you vulnerable. Be honest and frank anyway.

People really need your help, but may attack you if you help them. Help them anyway.

Give the world the best you've got and you'll get kicked in the teeth. Give the world the best you've got anyway.

grateful x 1000

2009-09-01T16:13:00.011-04:00

Leila Chee via oh, hello friend

i'm going to be MIA for a few weeks until things settle down a bit. The Cute had a bit of a health scare last week, so i spent the bulk of my time at the hospital (definitely not one of my favorite places). it was very scary for a few days there, but i am exceedingly happy to report that he is 100% on the mend, but i'm just now catching up with emails, upcoming show details and um, sleep.

precious, precious, precious, glorious, glorious, glorious, unworried, uninterrupted sleep.

i was also supposed to move in with that adorable man this past weekend, but that got postponed seeing as how he was shackled to an IV stand he affectionately dubbed "Twiggy" for the past 6 days.

'til my return, a few things i'm grateful for:

happy, functioning kidneys.

our hospital theme song. The Cute's theme song.

snoring (because that means he's sleeping next to me, alive and well).

new sheets kissed by The Polka Dot Fairy.

home-cooked meals by The Cute's momma.

raspberry sherbert that brings you to tears. chili that makes your eyes roll to the back of your head.

a happy and healthy life is a daily commitment and, like all things worth doing, is hard work but, my oh my... the benefits make my eyes water, my heart swell and my throat lump.

la-la-la linkage

2009-08-12T11:27:00.016-04:00

serve yourself some delicious, nourishing food on these stunning dishes.

wonderful, inspiring images you can embed on your site.

in october 2009 - i'm going to see PINK at Madison Square Garden and it's breast cancer awareness month - i'm getting one of these in my hair.

love shack! stay in an Airstream trailer!

quite possibly the only marc jacobs anything i will ever own.

i get so thirsty in the middle of the night. this is perfect for my bedside table.

pink lentils with roasted beets. yes, please!

a really wonderful book about breast health. discusses body image and teasing. encourages girls to start one of these. brilliant! i bought it for my niece for her birthday. now i want my own copy. nobody ever told me about Montgomery glands.

blessed, blissful weekends to all of you.

new directions

2009-08-11T13:03:00.008-04:00

Whateverlife via oh, hello friend

i'm thrilled to read that so many folks are interested in being a part of the bodyPeacebyPiece workfunshop! i'll keep posting details here as Susan and i suss them out.

in the meantime, do any of you guys have questions for us? we're gonna do a little video interview with the 2 of us (that i'll post here) to talk about our histories, why we're doing the class, what we think someone might get out of it, anything really. consider it an an opportunity for folks to get to know fabulous, fun Us.

so... questions? we'll be sure to answer them when we conduct our interview next weekend.

also... a thought or 2 on this site:

if you haven't noticed, i'm trying to move into a more positive direction these days. i'm far less interested in focusing on how screwed up our culture is in terms of eating disorders and body image. i've done my fair share of kvetching, and i still reserve the right to occasionally stomp my feet and pout, but there are already so many blogs out there doing that (and doing it much better, i might add). i'm not calling a moratorium on bitching, because we all know how FANTASTIC that can feel sometimes, and to get to the good you sometimes have to crawl eyebrow-deep through the muck, screaming the entire time, but where i am now is:

WE KNOW THIS, WE'VE KNOWN THIS. NOW WHAT?

education is important. awareness is important, but i want to LIVE, and i'm interested in exploring that journey and sharing it with you. the bumpy journey i've had and continue to have, that we all have, after we've decided TO LIVE.

TO LIVE FULLY AND WITHOUT LIMITS.

how do i do it?

how do you do it?

how do we do it?

exactly.

i'm not totally sure what this means in terms of the content of this site and the trajectory of my show, but i'm figuring it out, and ya know what? i'm having FUN.

so going forward, i vow to keep the bitching to a minimum and the living to the maximum.

and more puppies.

happy tuesday, gorgeousnesses.

luminous linkage

2009-08-06T16:41:00.003-04:00

Hey Cupcake via Oh Joy!

i spent many years hating my belly. i love how this site celebrates The Belly.

this should be the only umbrella allowed in NYC.

cupcake porn.

wouldn't you like to pass this every morning?

you can peel the delicate, thin skin of a red pepper with this wonder gadget. you and i both need one. i promise.

are you serious?

defy your parents.

great dorm food ideas. beats the microwaved baked potato with ranch dressing i ate every night for 4 years.

i'd like this little bag in which to carry my snacks in my purse. SNACKS. great word, isn't it?

in the l.a. area? interested in taking part in a body image project?

happy links

2009-07-30T12:16:00.003-04:00

this dreamy dress reminds me of the dress i get to wear this weekend in my friend amy's wedding. in this color. it makes me want to do the flamenco!

a size ate theme song.

the real beauty of a post-pregnancy belly.

a gorgeous "vintage" swimsuit for those of us who want a little more coverage, but no less glamour. some va-va-voom ones here too.

this is great. i wonder if i have a low-set tail? and wow. the skinny cow freaks me out.

awesomeness.

um... yum!

bought this excellent T-shirt for my niece Maddie's birthday. saddens me that it only comes in girls' sizes.

happy early weekend folks!

look up through a filigree of trees and breathe deeply. you are enough.

BODYpeace by piece: a workshop

2009-07-28T16:39:00.003-04:00

i'm 'cited. tingly toes and butterfly belly 'cited.

know why?

this fall, i'll be putting together a workshop with the wise and wonderful Susan Weiss-Berry of Evolved Eating. if you haven't checked out her website and her work, you really should. she's of the "listen to your body, eat what you want, when you're hungry, stop when you're full" school of nourishment, plus she incorporates mindfulness and meditation into her approach.

HER PROCESS REALLY WORKS.

doesn't matter whether you've struggled with anorexia, bulimia, overeating or if you're just OVER DIETING and plain tuckered out from worrying every moment about your weight and what you ate for lunch, and when you'll be able to eat again, and what you ate for dinner 4 days ago, and if it was high in fiber or high in fat, or low-carb or high-carb, and "oh, my god, do my kankles look fat in these gladiator sandals?" and "holy shit, my knees are SO FAT," and "i have like, FIVE chins!" and did you walk enough just running errands around the city to burn off that ice cream bar you ate last night while watching that silly 1930s musical or if you should make a point of going to the gym and bouncing up and down on the elliptical machine for an hour even though your sports bra is shot and your boobs are threatening to give you 2 very big black eyes and your thighs are beginning to chafe and it's kinda hard on your knees.

so, yeah. it doesn't matter. if you're over any of the above, and you're looking for some one-on-one support, give her a call. i also know she has all sorts of exciting things up her sleeve - mindful eating workshops, cooking classes, etcetera, so keep an eye on her website.

but seriously, back to Me. ( ;

the tentative title of the workshop we're putting together (although personally, i'd prefer to call it a "funshop") is:

BODYPeace by Piece
multimedia story telling as a path to recovery
from eating disorders and body image issues

quite a mouthful, i know, so we're still tinkering with the subtitle. we're planning on approximately six 3-hour classes, two Saturdays a month, during the months of October, November and January in midtown-NYC. over the course of 4 months, we'll guide each member of the class through the process of developing a piece of art - a one-person show, a blog, a series of podcasts, an EP of songs, a video blog, an illustrated book, a short film, or some combination thereof - that tells her or his story of struggle and recovery surrounding eating disorders and body image. all of this will happen in a very safe and supportive environment. because that's how we roll.

fun, right? potentially a little terrifying too? of course! most things worth doing are!

why am i doing this? my escape from disordered eating took one giant leap forward when i started developing my one-woman show and writing my blog. not only did it provide me with a means to express myself in a creative, fun and cathartic way, it also gave me a reason to wake up every morning that wasn't my weight and food. i'm hoping we'll be able to give this experience to every member of the class and potentially provide a jumpstart to their own recovery.

recovery needn't always be a forehead bent to a brick wall in desperate prayer. sometimes it's a dance, a song, a monologue, a thick streak of red paint across a blank, white canvas that says IF YOU SEE ME, I AM NOT ALONE.

i want to know your thoughts on any and all. is this the sort of thing you'd be interested in attending? why or why not?

if not, would it help if i told you we'll be spending the entire class in tiaras and tutus? (that's not true, but we would not object)

i'll be discussing this more on this blog as Susan and i suss out the details. we have not worked out a price yet, but once we get the space secured, we'll be able to do so. please feel free to email or Facebook message me with any questions or comments you'd rather not post in the comments section.

happiness is always an option.

2009-07-24T16:04:00.006-04:00

from a Happy Days blogpost by Pico Iyer at The New York Times

Not long ago, I was traveling with the Dalai Lama across Japan and another journalist came into our bullet-train compartment for an interview. “Your Holiness,” he said, “you have seen so much sorrow and loss in your life. Your people have been killed and your country has been occupied. You have had to worry about the welfare of Tibet every day since you were four years old. How can you always remain so happy and smiling?”

”My profession,” said the Dalai Lama instantly, as if he hardly had to think about it. His answer could mean many things, but one of the better things it meant to me was that that kind of happiness is within the reach of almost anyone. We can work on it as we work on our backhands, our soufflés or our muscles in the gym. True happiness, in that sense, doesn’t mean trying to acquire things, so much as letting go of things (our illusions and attachments). It’s only the clouds of short-sightedness or ignorance, the teachers from the Dalai Lama’s tradition suggest, that prevent us from seeing that our essential nature, whether we’re Buddhist or not, is blue sky.

happy friday, beautiful people. have a blue-sky weekend. if it rains, look skyward and catch some raindrops, and look closely. there's always blue behind the clouds.

happy links to get you over hump day

2009-07-21T14:30:00.009-04:00

via my polaroid blog

just a few things from around the web that are making me happy today.

i relate, don't you?

corsages!

thank you, martha. i think i'll add cheese.

real woman paper dolls.

i love this woman and her art.

101. particularly 28 and 29.

pretty, even when your local weather ain't so much.

this t-shirt, this one too and this super-sweet thingamabob.

limping is not an option

2009-07-20T19:06:00.012-04:00

it occurred to me yesterday, as i sat in Bryant Park watching many a lovely woman teeter by on heels, that one way we can take care of ourselves, one way we can help ensure that we'll live a full, brimming life is by wearing comfortable shoes.

there's something incredibly soothing about those two words, isn't there?

COMFORTABLE SHOES.

sigh. i think my shoulders just dropped 2 inches.

at the very least, we should carry a pair of comfy shoes in our bag that we can change into for when the 3 ring circuses we're wearing on our feet become too much.

our shoes should never be the reason we don't go, see or do... or dance.

i bought a pair of sequined, black ballet slippers with a tread that are my comfy option. they roll up into a little ball that i can toss into my purse. they also make me unbelievably happy, but i suppose that's pretty much true of anything that sparkles. sunlit lakes... my niece's eyes... pavement.

it may seem like an oversimplification, but don't you go more, see more, do more, dance more when you're wearing comfortable shoes?

happy friday, loves.

2009-07-17T10:21:00.002-04:00

this is exactly how The Cute and I met and fell in love. not really, but it's such a sweet little story, isn't it? i definitely need more Post-Its.

have a wonderful weekend, folks. rest and indulge.

gee, i wish i had more regrets.

2009-07-16T10:30:00.007-04:00

you've heard the cautionary adage, "nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd spent more time at the office," right?

on the train ride home last night, i was thinking about that little maxim (probably inspired by this heartbreaking Times piece) and how applicable it is to so many things we do in the name of being "responsible" or "practical" or "healthy" or "wise" or "frugal"or "safe" that maybe we shouldn't do so much of because really, in the end, when we're laying there gasping our last breaths, hopefully surrounded by our beloved, beautiful progeny, those things that seemed so f-ing important ain't gonna matter much, if at all.

for example, here's a few i thought of:

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd eaten more salads.

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd held more grudges.

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd spent more time at the gym.

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd worried more about what people thought of me.

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd spent more time looking into the mirror and picking apart my "flaws."

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd doubted myself more.

nobody ever said on their deathbed, i wish i'd worn more black.

what's your version?

now, take heed. our time here is unbearably short.

today, i am having a sandwich for lunch... with extra cheese.

therapy salsa

2009-07-13T11:31:00.016-04:00

the picture's fuzzy, not the salsa.

when i'm anxious (and i have been quite a bit lately) there's something about chopping vegetables that brings me peace. not quite sure what it's all about. maybe it's the satisfaction that comes with lining them up like little French aristocrats and guillotining them all at once.

THWACK!

oh, the power. i am SICK with the power.

whatever it is, it helps.

last night, The Cute came home from a long weekend away bachelor-partying (my anxiety having nothing to do with him, i should note). he sat on the couch recovering while i had a little therapy session in the kitchen, beheading and de-limbing wee legumes for my favorite salsa -

Juliet's Confetti Salsa

or, what i also affectionately refer to as Everything-But-the-Kitchen-Sink Salsa

but what i will henceforth refer to as Therapy Salsa.

not only is it cheaper than therapy, it has a lot more fiber.

my friend Juliet Hicks first made this for me back in the summer of 1997 when we were both working together at Diamond Circle Melodrama in Durango, Colorado. i’ve made it every summer since. i like it with Tostitos Hint of Lime tortilla chips, but it’s also divine with pita chips, grilled fish, chicken, pork, burgers, baked potatoes, polenta, etc. i like it best in a bowl, with a spoon, on a porch, in a rocking chair, with an icy, lime-laced Corona nestled between my knees.

happy summer, y'all.

Therapy Salsa

keep in mind that the amounts are estimates. you should add or subtract according to your very own tastebuds.

5-6 ripe, but firm tomatoes; seeded (scoop all the goo out) and cut into ½-inch size pieces

1½ cups fresh, raw corn, cut from the cob this is the best, but if you don’t have fresh, substitute thawed, frozen corn. don’t thaw it in the microwave. just let it thaw in the sink in a colander. you can run some cold water over it, but you don’t want it mushy. in a pinch, you can use canned, rinsed corn.

1 ripe mango, peeled and chopped or pineapple or papaya or peaches or nectarines or apricots; the ripeness is what matters

1 red onion, peeled and chopped

2-3 cloves of garlic, minced

1 bunch of scallions i like the dark green parts too, but if you don’t, just use up to the light green

1 generous handful of cilantro leaves, roughly chopped

1-2 fresh jalapeno peppers, seeded and chopped if you like it spicy, and i do, leave a few seeds in

1 can black beans, rinsed

the juice of 1-2 limes

1 packet of original taco seasoning

salt and pepper to taste

toss everything (except the taco seasoning) into a large bowl. mix to combine, then season to taste with the taco seasoning. i usually only need ¼-½ a packet because this stuff is super-salty and flavorful. season with salt and pepper to taste.

i like to let the salsa “rest” for a little while (20 minutes or so at room temp) covered with plastic wrap so the flavors can marry. this also allows the salt to release some juice from the tomatoes. at this point, stir it up, and if the salsa is a little dry, you can add more lime juice.

weep and enjoy.

is there a particular dish you like to make when you're feeling crabby? or blue?

food as art, art as food.

2009-07-10T11:58:00.030-04:00

Pies Pies Pies, 1961 via ArtChive

Bakery Counter, 1962 via ArtChive

Cakes, 1963 via ArtChive

i love the work of Wayne Thiebaud, don't you? he does some incredibly beautiful landscapes, but not surprisingly, my favorites are his renderings of 1960s diner-style desserts. so delightful, so pretty, so sweet. they just make me happy, happy, happy! i'm moving in with The Cute in a couple of months, and i'm dreaming of getting my paws on a few Thiebaud prints to decorate a kitchen wall. if he knows it will inspire me to make a weekly Chocolate Puddin' Pie, he'll be all for it. right?

oh, boy. food photography and art. i love it. when i go on trips, some folks complain that i take too many pictures of food (Paree, par example). so what!? i think a person's meals tell a very interesting story! i also think it makes total and complete sense. i've spent years fearing food, avoiding it, abhorring it, devouring it with almost no regard for its taste or texture. i am now in the courting phase, developing and nurturing what i hope will be a lifelong love and appreciation of the taste, the smell, the texture and the glorious appearance of food. taking pictures of a meal, or a cup of creamy coffee, or a perfectly-frosted cupcake helps me really pay attention to all those parts, like one would to the composition and the brushstrokes in a work of fine art. i've learned to see food as many things, not just physical sustenance, but spiritual and creative sustenance as well.

surrounding myself with images of beautifully-prepared, wholesome food reminds me how very lucky i am to be back in The World of the Eating. in the old days, i might have spent hours flipping through cookbooks and back issues of Gourmet magazine, salivating over meals i knew i would never let myself have. now i bake my cake, photograph it, and i eat it too. there was a time i never thought this would be possible. so glad i was wrong.

what food is most visually beautiful to you? i love a platter of halved figs and shelled walnuts scattered on a plain, white plate. then there's french fries. monochromatic maybe, but blissful.

what if you looked at every meal as a work of art? do you think it would change how you prepared it? as well as how you eat it (faster, slower, with more attention and intention)? try it. maybe even take a picture of it or draw it before you eat it. and?

a delicate reminder

2009-07-09T09:41:00.005-04:00

from anongrrl via etsy

i came across these tags today on etsy. aren't they wonderful? i'm always drawn to jewelry that uses inspirational words and phrases. it combines my love of the delicate, artistic object with the need for a reminder, a talisman of what i'm striving for in my day-to-day life. not that different from a Christian wearing a cross, or a Jew wearing a cross of David, i guess. i once made a bracelet for myself out of wire and a Shrinky-Dink type substance that said "breathe." it wasn't super-elegant (and i seem to recall it digging into my wrist), but it really did help, in the middle of an overwhelming day, to look down at my wrist for a reminder to do just that.

BREATHE.

oh!!! riiiiiiiiight.

seeing these tags got me thinking about what phrases and words i'd like to put on my own jewelry:

i (heart) butter.

this too shall pass

i am a size (infinity symbol).

sometimes, the most empowering thing a girl can do is eat (from a N.O.W. t-shirt)

wear life like a loose garment (Ghandi)

now, please.

what would your talisman say?

let her eat steak.

2009-07-07T11:08:00.008-04:00

from Mitchell and Dent on etsy

how annoyed do i get when i'm having dinner with The Cute, the waiter brings our meals and places the salad in front of me, assuming that because i'm The Girl it must be mine?

quite.

how much pleasure do i get in looking up at him through my fluttering lashes and saying, "oh, no, no, no. the BURGER is mine. might i also have a side of mayo for the fries?"

tons.

does this ever happen to you? how does it make you feel? do you feel guilty for ordering the "bad" food? or do you revel in ordering the food that makes your body hum? what are some witty (though kind) ways of handling it?

when i grow up, i want to be a supermarket cashier.

2009-07-03T00:39:00.006-04:00

there's this cashier at the A & P in Jersey City where The Cute and i shop. for the past two years, we've always made an effort to go to her when we're there because she's the sweetest, friendliest lady ever. she almost makes my heart melt with gratitude. the first time she rung us up, i was so touched by her kindness (she's an aberration amongst Jersey City grocery store employees, i hate to say), i think i said to The Cute:

oh my god. i love her. i want to take her home.

she's very serene and soft-spoken. always patient, always helpful. i imagined she must live a pretty quiet (read: lonely) life. a single spinster who goes to church every Sunday, sings in the choir, knits, collects canned food labels for the local elementary school, eats tuna fish salad on melba toasts every day for lunch.

you can imagine my surprise when i saw her in a preview for America's Got Talent. first, i freaked out. second, i assumed she was going to sing a church hymn, "How Great Thou Art" or some such ditty. third, i was pretty certain she was going to be bad. really, really bad. my heart hurt for her. a sweet, little, unassumming lady was going to be humiliated on national television!

i missed the show, but i was digging around on hulu.com last night, and i found this clip of her performance.

i've never been so happy to be so terribly and completely wrong.

Carol Lugo is my hero.

you pretty young things.

2009-07-01T11:32:00.004-04:00

you're assignment today is to stand in front of a full-length mirror as nude as you can muster, put this tune on full-blast, and sing this song to yourself... just like i did when i was 9. my self-confidence was soaring at that age. coincidence? i think not.

what is your favorite M.J. song?

my stomach: gurgle, gurgle, pop, splat.

2009-06-26T17:06:00.006-04:00

ever eaten a "nutrition bar" on an empty stomach?

don't.

i had one stashed in my desk at work from some "wellness seminar." i was starving, so i had a few bites. never again. those things aren't food, they're mortar.

anyway...

have a happy, happy friday, y'all.

do something you love this weekend: sleep in, rub a leaf of fresh basil between your fingertips and inhale deeply, buy yourself a coloring book and a Crayola 64, make a batch of homemade ketchup, take a walk in the sunshine (or in the rain, in flip-flops!).

i'm gonna pay someone to wash my hair with yumscious shampoo and blow it dry. i'm gonna make mojitos with the fresh mint from our herb garden and, well... that might be just about all i can handle this weekend. as lillian hellman once said, "productivity is not the only proof of a serious life."

amen.

what will you do?

and so am i.

2009-06-19T12:25:00.004-04:00

from Yellowgoat's Feel Good series via Etsy

if i were wealthy, i'd buy all you ladies this necklace. wouldn't it feel great walking around with this on? just think about how many smiles you'd elicit!

3 awesome things about me?

i can make popovers from scratch.

i can still do a toe-touch (on a trampoline).

i am fiercely loyal and loving, usually brave, and very forgiving.

quick! tell me 3 awesome things about yourself!

don't forget to take your vitamins.

2009-06-18T09:59:00.003-04:00

i tossed my vitamins onto the kitchen counter last night, and they scattered in such a way that i saw a little wonky face staring back at me. a few adjustments, and the reflection of the overhead light gave her earrings. it felt absolutely necessary to take a picture.

see what amazing things you can accomplish when you don't have a television?

southern comfort

2009-06-11T15:42:00.002-04:00

5 years ago, i wore a lifejacket like a diaper and floated around the center of this lake while sipping on a margarita. i highly recommend it.

i'm headed to the mountains of north Georgia tonight to meet up with a gaggle of girls that i've known since i moved to Valdosta, Georgia in 1985. we were 10. i haven't seen most of them in 5+ years because they've been so busy breeding and feeding and raising their little aliens, they just haven't had the time or money to come up to NYC and visit with little old me.

sniff.

i'm kidding. no bitterness here. i don't think i'm meant to live in Georgia ever again, but it's always nice to visit. sweet tea, cheese grits, air-conditioning in every store, a Wal-Mart on every corner. i step back into the southern way of life like a Southern Belle steps into her hoop skirt. suddenly y'all becomes second nature again, and i am no longer a simple "fine" when someone asks me how i'm doing, i am a multi-syllabic and honey-sweet faaaaaayyyyyhhhhhhhnnnnnn.

we're spending our weekend at a cabin in the woods. there's a hammock, and a boat, a lake full of glistening water, (hopefully) lots of sunshine, not a little beer and a helluva lot of laughter. can't wait. i feel so stripped down, so bare, so essentially me when i'm there. sunkissed and windblown and tired from so much gut-wrenching laughter and from taking running leaps off the dock into the dark, cool water.

down, down, down to the mucky, fertile lake bottom, then up, up, up to the sparkling twilight and laughter.

i'm so looking forward to this trip. more than my other trips to the lakehouse over the years. i'm different now. most days, i'm in my body. truly in it, and most days, loving it. this time, i'm going to wear a swimsuit; and i'm going to let the sun hit my winter-white body; and i'm going to swim; and i'm going to let the rope hammock make little waffle patterns on my bare, barely-shaven legs; and i'm going to wear a bikini, and i'm going to let my belly be my belly, which is soft and slightly rounded like a belly should be; and even though i'm wearing a swimsuit (and still occasionally inclined to reduce my food intake in such attire), i'm going to feed myself, nourish myself, i am going to enjoy my food, revel in it, not nibble and sip on celery and water because that, my dears, is not of what vacations are made.

all of this, of course, unless it rains. in which case, i will spend 4 days sitting on a comfy sofa rehashing the old days over margaritas and Ro-Tel dip, but still, different than before. underneath that hooded sweatshirt, i am a different girl, a woman. in my body, loving it most days. sunshower or rainshine.

see y'all on wednesday.

the life philosophy of a baker

2009-06-10T10:26:00.006-04:00

from Studio Mela via Etsy

these prints make me happy. don't they you? the top one definitely belongs in my kitchen.

setting the table for sanity.

2009-06-02T11:00:00.019-04:00

i love this. can you imagine someone bringing you lunch like this? the ultimate exercise in creating a sacred space for eating.

it might be taking things to the extreme - why the hell not, i say - but it made me think about how important surroundings are when it comes to creating a nourishing meal for ourselves. it's not just about what's on my plate, but about the china plate that my meal is on; the shiny stainless steel fork; the chocolate brown cotton cloth napkin that rests in my lap; the candlelight dancing off the edge of my green glass water goblet that reminds me of the ones i drank out of as a child; the soft, soothing music in the background; the company of a loved one that makes me laugh between delicious bites - my surroundings are a big part of what has made my return to the World of the Eating so very marvelous and wonderful and fulfilling.

not to say i never eat a meal when i'm distracted oh, say... in front of the television watching The Real Housewives of New Jersey, but even when The Cute and I do that, we still set our places with cloth napkins, we still bring out the salt and pepper, we still pour ourselves cool, clear glasses of water. we (try to) pay attention to our surroundings. we try to stand on ceremony. in this day and age, i think it's important for all of us to do, but particularly important to someone who's recovering from disordered eating. eating and food and all the emotions that go with it can still be scary for me sometimes, so anything i can do to make my eating experience more pleasurable, more nourishing, more safe, more sane, more mindful, more celebratory. i think i should. consider it a welcome home party that never ends.

what are your surroundings like when you eat? how can you make your surroundings more safe, sacred and welcoming? do you have any mealtime rituals? are there any you'd like to adopt?

what's your favorite thing to eat in front of the TV? me? easy. vanilla ice cream with this caramel sauce. oh! and these Doritos. something wonderfully therapeutic about munching on crunchies and staring at moving pictures.

happy long weekend.

2009-05-22T12:55:00.003-04:00

from captivate me via oh, hello friend.

this is what i would like my weekend to look like. it won't, but i'm going to carry the feeling of this image into my weekend... everyday magic, sunshine, bare feet, sweet cotton dresses. i'll eat more at breakfast than these 3 wispy girls combined, but let's focus on the positive, shall we? i'll bet their armpits smell like Sweet Tarts.

craaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaamps.

2009-05-20T12:03:00.005-04:00

and... SCENE.

but The Cute did make me this coffee this morning.

just what a girl needs on the first day of Aunt Flo's visit when she's certainly feeling so not very H-O-T.

today, i'm going to drink lots of water, feed myself healthy, warm, comfort food, take a quick walk out of the office in the sunshine, and maybe buy myself a curling iron. (yeah, that last one's a little weird, but i've been wanting one for a while. to many childhood productions of The Nutcracker, i guess. i miss ringlets.)

what sort of things do you do to take care of yourself when Aunt Flo visits? how could you better care for yourself during those times?

happy mama's day.

2009-05-10T14:31:00.003-04:00

mom and me.

eat your vegetables and don't run with scissors.

how about a no-diet LIFE?

2009-05-08T13:18:00.004-04:00

reason #17 not to diet: BAKED GOODS!

not sure how i missed this (oh, wait, yes i do, i was organizing a bake sale!), but may 6 was International NO-DIET DAY. i say we celebrate this all year long!

not that i need any other reasons - dieting makes me a miserable, hungry, self-centered bitch, and i think that's reason enough - but here are 16 reasons not to diet.

3 of the best things about recovering from an eating disorder

2009-05-01T21:37:00.004-04:00

cheese, bread, and chocolate.

the holy trinity.

amen.

my favorite kind of invite

2009-04-30T14:53:00.005-04:00

click the images to get a much better view
from Keetra Dean Dixon via Oh Joy!

tangy, cold + tasty tubers.

2009-04-27T12:42:00.028-04:00

yesterday was a glorious day. glorious, i tell you! actually, the whole weekend was downright divine. warm, sunshiney, breezy. FINALLY. winter in NYC this year has been a long, brutal and tricky one, teasing us with warm weather and then plunging us back into the icy depths of winter. needless to say, this past weekend was quite a treat.

honestly, i felt like i was starring in my very own feminine hygiene product commercial.

via AdClassix

i even got to wear my flip-flops!

there's something about this weather that makes me crave cold potato salad. is there anything better than tucking into a hearty helping of chilled potato salad on a warm day? preferably having to balance a practically soggy paper plate of it on your knee as you sit on a lawn chair, bottle of beer held between your knees, bare feet in cool grass?

can i get an AMEN?

so yesterday i made some, and wowza was it ever tasty. i riffed on what i could remember from a Domino magazine recipe that my friend J introduced me to last year (note: that mag and site are now defunct, so i couldn't locate the original recipe online). no mayo, but i didn't miss it cuz i threw in a couple of chopped hard-boiled eggs for creaminess. it's tart and tangy and just a wee bit more sophisticated than what you might get at the supermarket deli (although i wouldn't turn my nose up at a vat of that glorious stuff). it's also super-simple, super-cheap and super-filling. recession-proof, you might say.

excellent alongside some grilled shrimp + vegetables, and a spinach-avocado salad (sadly not very photogenic, but very tasty! props to The Cute for manning the grill)

better than flip-flops potato salad
adapted from Domino magazine

5-6 medium-sized redskin potatoes (about 3-4 inches in diameter)
3 tablespoons dijon mustard
1 tablespoons white wine vinegar
2 hard-boiled eggs, chopped (spring for organic if you've already paid the rent)
1/3 cup, sweet gherkins, sliced into teensy little circles
salt and black pepper to taste

cut potatoes into 1 1/2 inch-2 1/2 inch pieces depending on how chunky you like your salad. put them in a pot and fill with cold water it just covers the potatoes.

bring to a boil. add a teaspoon of salt. boil until the potatoes are easily punctured with a fork, but not mush. you want them to maintain their firmness in the salad.

drain the potatoes in a colander. rinse with cold water.

dump into a large bowl. add mustard, white wine vinegar, chopped eggs and gherkins. toss gently until evenly distributed. the potatoes should be coated in a creamy sauce-like substance courtesy of the mustard, vinegar and egg yolks. sample it. if it's a bit dry for you, add a touch more mustard or a touch more vinegar. salt and pepper to taste. (this stuff deserves a hearty crank of the pepper mill, and if you can get your hands on five-color peppercorns, do so. your tastebuds will thank you.)

what sort of foods does the warmer weather make you crave? what are some of your favorite "summer foods" from your childhood? s'mores? lemonade? barbecue chicken? popsicles? get your hands on at least one of your favorite summer foods (make it? buy it? who cares!) and savor it.

---

this is the start of a weekly blog post entitled size ate eats: love the belly, feed the belly. i've wanted to make it a regular part of the site for a while now, and i figure... why not start now? not only do i love cooking (and eating), i also think my learning to cook and nourish myself has been a huge part of my recovery, and it continues to be a huge part of my self-care. i also find it to be a hell of a lot of fun. so stick around. i promise to never speak of calories, fat grams or "good" or "bad" foods. i love spinach and butter equally. paula deen and i do share the same birthday after all.

love is better than exercise.

2009-04-25T15:42:00.007-04:00

our morning routine. (not really)

i went to my yoga studio's website today to see what classes they're offering.

Restorative Yoga.

perfect.

i scan the rest of the page just for giggles.

Yoga Fight Club.

what?

the idea of it makes me cringe. Yoga and Fight aren't 2 words that should ever go together, are they? i live in NYC, just walking down the street feels like a battle, and it's free!

i haven't really been to the gym in any real way in almost 2 years. i could blame The Cute. he lives in Jersey, i live in Queens, with all the time spent commuting back and forth, no time to go to the gym! blah blah blah blah... but i'm actually going to thank The Cute for giving me a break from the gym. turns out i don't like the gym. turns out i kinda hate it. turns out my body wasn't very happy there either.

here's the thing: it's been almost 2 years since i've gone to the gym in any real way and i feel physically better than i have in years. yes, i feel better about my body, but i also just feel better. my joints are looser. i'm more flexible. i feel more relaxed (i know what you're thinking, and yes, the sex helps.). movement i'm beginning to miss, and i'm working on getting more of that back into my life via yoga, swimming and dancing, but not WORKING OUT.

doesn't the term WORKING OUT just sound like so much, well, WORK? who needs more of that word?

for me, working out was always about burning calories, tightening the abs, carving out the triceps. even when i tried to convince myself it wasn't, even after a few years of writing this blog and doing my show, and waving my "love my body as is, or else" banner, it was. and good lord was it ever about COMPETITION! either with the girl next to me or the girl in the mirror. never enough. never satisfied. push, push, push.

ouch.

sure, i loved the endorphin rush of a 30-minute dash on the elliptical machine followed by crunches, and arm curls, and push ups, and, and and... but after the initial glow wore off, i'd feel sore and tired and beat. i'd fall into bed, wake up even more sore, tired and beat, just in time to do the whole thing all over again.

gerbil. wheel.

what's the point of all of this again?

i frequently ponder what aliens might think if they came to earth and the first thing they saw was a gym. loads of people on treadmills and stationery bikes and rowing machines, sweating profusely, working incredibly hard, but going ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE. intelligent life? i think not.

i've decided i want to incorporate more joyful movement into my life, but this time, it's a fear of developing a hunchback like my Great Grandma Ida that's pushing me to get more active not fat thighs. there's also this guy, and i fancy him, and he loves me the way that i am and the way that i will be. i'd like to hang out with him as long as i can making designs in our coffee and swinging in the hammock and making up songs about how much we love brushing our teeth. and movement, they say, helps you live longer. i suppose i should listen.

my ass may be flabbier than it was in april 2007, but i could give two shits. the past 2 years have made me stronger in ways that going to the gym never could. no, i haven't spent a ton of time building my ab muscles, but oh, how my heart muscle has grown. i ain't gonna lie, it's been painful at times , because wow, here's a part of my heart i never thought i'd have to use, and there he is taking up residence in it. burping and snoring and being downright beautiful. stretched. big, red beating heart of mine. stronger than ever, and there's absolutely no competition. it's all his.

do you like going to the gym? if not, what are some fun, joyful movement alternatives that you might try this summer? what physical activities you enjoyed as a kid usually offers an excellent clue. me? swimming!

also, is there someone in your life who loves you unconditionally? regardless of what your body looks like?

voluntary torture

2009-04-20T13:35:00.003-04:00

keep this in mind, the next time you, or someone you love, thinks about going on Jenny Craig... or Weight Watchers... or Slim-Fast... or Opti-Fast... or Nutri-System...

Bush Torture Memos: Commercial Diets Used as Justification

oh, the irony...

2009-04-14T13:54:00.003-04:00

bleaching the family 'stache

that so many of the things we do to ourselves in the name of "pretty" make us look pretty damn ugly.

this ain't no yankee candle.

2009-04-09T09:32:00.005-04:00

ha.

i walked in to Dean and Deluca this morning to purchase my overpriced mocha (mortgage payment, anyone?), and was welcomed into the loving arms of an old friend.

BACON.

i love her. she comforts me and calls me "pet."

i thought to myself:

why not a bacon-scented candle? we have cinnamon bun-scented candles. sugar cookie-scented. apple pie-scented.

i posited this question on my Facebook page, and my friend Y shot back with this link.

BLT candles.

after a little "bacon-scented" google, i found this. i don't think i'm looking to catch myself a bear, but always good to know.

you can also buy yourself a bacon scarf, underdrawers, or floss.

finally, this.

so. wrong.

but then, if you're looking to catch yourself a man, this just might work.

better than smoking the pipe.

2009-04-08T11:19:00.005-04:00

i discovered Zitner's Butter Krak eggs at a convenience store right outside Drew University's campus. i was there performing size ate (at the college, not the convenience store. altho, i would actually love to do my show at a convenience store smack in the middle of the snack cake aisle! Kandy Kakes for everyone!). at first, i was drawn to it mainly for the name, but holy moly it's tasty too. like a Mounds bar on, well, crack.

computer update: it's getting operated on today. fingers crossed it's back in its mama's arms by this evening.

lost little girl grown up too fast

2009-04-06T11:20:00.004-04:00

by michael cavayero

i came across these paintings of lindsay lohan in a window on the corner of 10th street and broadway in manhattan. i found myself staring at these images. struck and saddened and angry by the juxtaposition of these two images.

tip # duh.

2009-03-27T11:51:00.004-04:00

if you don't like the make-up on the woman at the make-up counter, it's highly unlikely you're going to like the make-up she puts on you.

and no one EVER needs 3 kinds of concealer.

and her cheeks.

2009-03-26T10:57:00.003-04:00

Fat Is Not a Fairy Tale
by Jane Yolen

I am thinking of a fairy tale,
Cinder Elephant,
Sleeping Tubby,
Snow Weight,
where the princess is not
anorexic, wasp-waisted,
flinging herself down the stairs.

I am thinking of a fairy tale,
Hansel and Great,
Repoundsel,
Bounty and the Beast,
where the beauty
has a pillowed breast,
and fingers plump as sausage.

I am thinking of a fairy tale
that is not yet written,
for a teller not yet born,
for a listener not yet conceived,
for a world not yet won,
where everything round is good:
the sun, wheels, cookies, and the princess.

from Such a Pretty Face, May 2000

bring on the spring!

2009-03-24T17:34:00.003-04:00

click to enlarge. more free e-cards at poets.org.

AY-men.

2009-03-23T10:00:00.003-04:00

Monday, March 23, 2009

You are reading from the book Today's Gift

It feels so good to cry. . .
--Susan Cygnet
Some of us were taught that it's bad to express our feelings directly--crying, wailing, jumping up and down for joy--that it's good manners to talk softly, slowly, and politely and to sit still.

But what happens to our feelings when we sit still? If they don't get expressed, they must be caught inside our bodies. Trapped feelings are like birds in a cage, or a rabbit in a trap--they try to get out any way they can. They peck on our heads and give us headaches. They scratch at our stomachs and make us hurt.

We must let them out. We must laugh and cry. Then our bodies will be happy, and our feelings will curl up in our laps like happy puppies.

Am I ignoring the physical symptoms of trapped feelings?

uh... yes.

i started the day with tears. while i agree that starting every day as such might indicate a larger problem - depression, say - i think i just damn well needed to shed a few. i've been juggling A LOT over the past several weeks, the anxiety has been building and building and building, and the dam just crumbled this morning.. crumbled right into my coffee. i felt dumb about it, of course... and weak, and silly, and hormonal, but then i came across this thought for the day, and i felt a lot better about my little episode. from Hazelden.

e-cards for the smart asses in your life

2009-03-20T10:19:00.003-04:00

from Some E-Cards

a beach, a bitch... life is...

2009-03-18T10:13:00.004-04:00

still no computer yet, but i'm actually gonna bite the big, scary bullet and buy a new one this weekend, so provided i can get the thing up and running, regular posting will resume early next week mehopes.

performing size ate over the past several weeks has been an invigorating, enlightening and exhausting experience (but in a good, spent-all-day-building-sandcastles-on-the-beach-way). i can't wait to do it again! but before then, i'd like to spend some time lollygagging on an actual beach, feet firmly planted in the warm sand, fingertips stained red from shelling pistachios. there will be a book, but i won't be reading it.

le sigh.

talk to y'all soon. i pinky swear.

because in this weather, your apples get vewy chiwwy.

2009-03-03T10:25:00.004-05:00

an apple jacket by handamade

and that is not a euphemism.

who doesn't need more fiber in their diet? and who can't imagine this adorable little thing sitting on their desk? problem is, i don't think i'd want to ruin the display by eating it.

i'm sans computer this week. mine went pffft the moment i tried to upload some videos from the size ate shows last week. i'm hoping to be up and running again by the end of this week, but that all depends on the computer gods.

i'll say this: the shows at Drew University, Caldwell College and SUNY New Paltz went remarkably well. doing the show is always a bit of a freakout (scary) therapy (wonderful) session for me, but i'm always humbled by what i learn from the audiences, the questions they ask, the things i'm forced to re-think regarding my own recovery and how i portray that recovery in my show. more thoughts to come on that.

two more shows to go! Barnard College/Columbia University next Monday, March 9, and Immaculata College on Thursday, March 19. if you're in the area, and would like to attend either, please let me know, and i'll see if i can get you in.

national eating disorders awareness week

2009-02-22T11:36:00.007-05:00

unrelated photography. it just makes me happy.

this is gonna be one crazy week, but a blessed one, no less. i have four size ate shows this week at various schools in the area.

i'm SUPER-EXCITED!!!

(i always used to have a little meltdown in acting class, just before i was about to perform. "i'm so nervous/scared!!!" i'd proclaim. my acting teacher would respond in a very wise, Earth Mother sort of way, "okay... so i'm hearing you say that you're excited." she said that for the most part, the feelings of scared and excited physically feel the same way - butterflies in the belly, a racing heart, a rise in body temperature. it's just that "scared" has a negative connotation while "excited" has a positive connotation. so, when you feel "scared" about taking a healthy risk, try saying out loud to yourself and to others around you that you are excited. it works. i pinky swear.)

as you might already know, this week is National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. that means lots of body-positive events. if you're not in the NYC area, you can go here to find out about events in your neck of the woods, but here's two that i know about in NYC that i heartily recommend.

"Turning the Lens on Eating Disorders" Film Screening
Thursday February 26th, 2009 7:00pm
Pace University, Lecture Hall West, 1 Pace Plaza, 2nd floor
Seating is limited, RSVP by February 25th, 2009 to nyfilm@myneda.org

Mix, mingle, and join NEDA at the movies as we screen two films that explore the impact of eating disorders. A Panel Discussion follows, led by Eating Disorder expert Sondra Kronberg, MS, RD, CDN, and featuring Arol Jahns and Stephanie Schweitzer, writer/producers of Swept and Carla Precht, co-producer/co-director of Beauty Mark

i did this Fearless Eating Workshop last year, and it really helped me get over some residual food fears. and fyi? the food is delicioso! even if you can't go (but you should! i'll be there too!), you should check out Susan Weiss-Berry's website.

Fearless Eating Workshop
Saturday February 28, 2009 12-2 PM
Employees Only Restaurant
510 Hudson St. (between Christopher and W.10th)
$50.00 /seating limited to 20

Join Susan and Julia Jaksic, Executive Chef of Employees Only for a fabulous five-course progressive tasting. Come and challenge your food fears with Mindful Awareness, Writing and Meditation. Experience eating EVERYTHING without the freak-out! To register: swb@evolvedeating.com and we will email information about sign-up and payment.

what can you do for yourself and for others this week to honor National Eating Disorders Awareness week?

for others, i'm going to perform my show in hopes of getting people thinking and talking about the issue. that is the first step, i believe, to recovery.

for me? well, i'm going to do my best to take exquisitely good care of myself this week. it's gonna be a full one, so i'll need all the self-care i can get. long hot showers; wholesome meals; hugs, hugs, and more hugs from The Cute, and taking a moment every day to reflect upon why i do my show, and how lucky i am that i get to.

love letter to my body

2009-02-13T11:56:00.014-05:00

i ignored you.

i starved you.

i called you names.

i pinched you.

i plucked you.

i tried to make you disappear.

i hated you, i told you so, and still, you stuck around.

i have no idea why.

i would have broken up with me a long time ago if i were you. i would have tossed my baggage from the fourth floor window onto the street, screamed expletives from the top of my lungs until i went hoarse, and let me fend for myself in the world.

but no.

you stayed. you stoked the fires, you kept the soup warm, and the sheets clean. it's almost as if you knew, somewhere deep, deep down, that i'd come home one night, surrender, crawl into your lap, and let you feed me buttered bread and hot chocolate. you knew you'd cradle me while i slept, my hand resting upon your soft belly, loving you, like you knew you deserved to be loved.

thank you.

and spritz it with your favorite perfume...

2009-02-09T17:19:00.005-05:00

from one of my fave photogs and ban.do-makers, jen gotch

valentine's day is coming up! write your body a love letter on pretty stationery, and mail it to yourself the old-fashioned way, with a stamp.

not up for penning a whole letter? then at the very least, a card! you can even download adorable valentine stationery here at etsy, my new obsession.

i'll share my lettre d'mour to my body this week. feel free to share yours. i'll publish them here if you give me the go.

checking in.

2009-02-09T16:45:00.006-05:00

my friend took a few snaps of me in hopes of capturing a new shot to use for size ate stuffs.
we got a few, but not until we got quite a few of me being uncomfortable in front of the camera... like-a dees one.

hi lovelies!

great news! up from three to five shows confirmed plus two tentative this spring!

here's the schedule* so far:

Drew University, Monday, February 23
Caldwell College, Wednesday, February 25
SUNY New Paltz, Thursday, February 26 (2 shows)
Immaculata College, Thursday, March 19

the tentative shows i'm gonna keep mum about lest i jinx them, but i'm keeping my fingers crossed, and gonna bake a batch of these cookies tonight to bribe the booking gods.

*if any of you live in the area and would like to attend one of these shows, please let me know. i'd love to have you, but i would need to check in with the schools first to confirm that outside guests are welcome. understandably, security is tight on college campuses these days.

hope 2009.

2009-01-02T17:03:00.004-05:00

yes, it's been ages, but i just wanted to check in to let you know, that i'm still here, and i plan on being more blog-present in 2009. my relationship with my body and eating has changed exponentially since i started this blog 3 years ago (or is it 4?), but i still feel i have a lot to say about the matter, even if it's just to share with you how much better it can be as a recovered, albeit imperfectly, woman. i don't want to bitch and moan about the culture we live in (although i reserve the right to do so on certain days of the month). i want to inspire hope. so that's my theme for size ate 2009. to inspire hope via my show, my blog and via my own actions of self-care. this will mean fewer posts, but hopefully, more well-thought out, impactful posts.

oh! and an update on the show: i've got 3 shows booked at area colleges for the spring, and 3 more potential shows in the works. i'll keep you all abreast as the details get settled. exciting!!!

happy new year all. i wish you health, happiness and an abundance of waffles.

yoga + cookies = nirvana.

2008-12-30T16:54:00.003-05:00

i came home to find one of these cookies underneath my tree. from my landlord no less! i got the tree pose one. tres adorable, n'est-ce pas?

bad acting + flannel

2008-12-09T12:19:00.002-05:00

i was doing a quick internet search for some cute holiday jammies appropriate to wear in front of The Cute's family (um, NO). i never found any jammies for myself, but i did find this video. some of you have seen this on my facebook page already, but i think everyone should see this video. consider it my public service for the holiday season.

how ya like them apples?

2008-12-02T11:06:00.010-05:00

one saturday afternoon a few weeks ago, i went bra-shopping at my favorite little lingerie shop. at any given time in my life, i really only have two bras in the daily rotation. like every girl, i have my fair share of impulse bra purchases - lace ones, satin ones, beribboned ones, bejeweled ones, but seriously, who other than Beyonce wears those contraptions on a regular basis?

i was in dire need of a couple new standbys. after several months of daily wear, the elastic in my old reliables seemed to have stretched out, leaving me with shoulder straps that slipped with every move i made, underboob oozing out from beneath the underwire, and a less-than-attractive puckered cup. i was annoyed. i don't want to know i'm wearing i bra. i don't want to have to work to keep a bra on. i just want it to sit there and do it's job. like a good butler. a boob butler.

your breasts, milady.

i ask the salewomen (there are the sweetest, most helpful saleswomen at this little shop!) to get me a few bras to try on in my size.

"36 C."

she brings a bevy of bras in 36 C. i try them on.

strange. underboob still making an appearance, strap still slipping, cup still puckering.

"i think you are a 34 C."

"oh. okay."

she leaves to go rifle through her 34 C drawer right outside the dressing room.

"have you lost weight?"

"maybe a little."

"are you gonna lose more weight?"

"i hope not."

pause.

"have you been sick?"

"um, nope!"

"oh. (pause) well, at least your cup-size hasn't gone down!"

she seemed to be confused by my response to her first question:

"are you gonna lose more weight?"

"i hope not."

and then i found her follow-up question curious:

"have you been sick?"

sick? as if the only reason i might not want to lose more weight is because i'd been sick, and to lose more weight would mean i'd continue to be sick or get sick again?

who knows what her thought process was. i wasn't offended. there was no "i can't believe you think i need to lose more weight" kinda thing. i just found it fascinating... and a little sad... and a little happy for me.

"i hope not."

i.e.

i hope not to lose more weight.

to not want to lose more weight. does that make me sick? nooooo. that makes me well.

imagine! i've reached a point in my life where i have no desire to lose weight. i think i could even (and probably will) gain a little, some, maybe a lot of weight at some point in the next 50 years, and live a damn fine, miraculous life. really, truly those two things (weight, life) are not dependent upon one another unless i make them so. it's up to me.

i'm proud of where i am, proud of where i was that day in the lingerie shop. a few years ago, a slight comment like that would have, no joke, led to tears.

if i could do it over?

"i hope not. i love my body the way that it is."

that really woulda thrown her for a loop.

it's in the water.

2008-11-17T18:33:00.012-05:00

i seem to be surrounded by pregnant women lately. glowing, ebullient, beautiful pregnant women of all shapes and sizes. i know there are many pregnant women who spend the entire nine months hating their bodies and the changes it goes through, but what i've heard most lately is how so many of these women feel like they've been let out of body image jail for nine months. guns-a-blazin', they eat without feeling guilty, they don't punish themselves with excessive exercise, they don't feel like they have to hold their stomach in because, sister, there just ain't no holding it in.

i once had an older woman friend say to me (a woman on Weight Watchers), "when i was pregnant, i just ate whatever i wanted when i was hungry and i stopped when i was full, and i didn't really gain much weight. i wish i could eat that way now."

"why can't you?" i asked her.

"well... i mean. i just can't."

that broke my heart.

we actually can.

and it's probably one of the healthiest things we can do for our bodies, our minds, and our children. maybe we grew up in a diet culture, and got our ability to intuitively feed ourselves ripped out of our tiny, little hands like a forbidden cupcake. maybe we grew up believing that love is conditional with one of the conditions being that we be thin and beautiful. that doesn't mean our children have to. we must educate them. we must empower them by letting them make food choices. most importantly, we must love them unconditionally and be a good role model. we can't just talk the talk; we have to walk the walk. feed ourselves. enjoy ourselves.

they are watching.

even if we don't have children and never will.

they are still watching.

nieces, nephews, friends' children, students.

you don't think those 13-year old girls trying on Valentine's Dance dresses in the next room heard you bemoan the size and texture of thighs? you're wrong.

children of the world aside, what about you? what about me?

i have decided:

i will not wait until i am pregnant to eat without feeling guilty.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to not punish myself with excessive exercise.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to not feel like i have to hold my stomach in all the time.

i will not wait until i am pregnant before i start letting others take care of me.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to take care of myself.

i will not wait until i am pregnant to love myself.

i might not be birthing a child in nine months, but there is one inside me all the same.

she is watching.

if you've been pregnant, did you experience freedom from body image angst during those nine months? did that carryover at all into your life once you gave birth?

if you haven't been pregnant, are you scared of the changes your body will go through or can you not wait?

"I am having to come to terms with the fact that at age 41, I found myself unraveling. Or, rather, I unraveled."

2008-11-10T16:03:00.005-05:00

the above quote from singer/songwriter juliana hatfield's blog post about her decision to finally go for ED treatment after years of silently struggling. read it here.

here's wishing her well. thank god she has a friend who could speak honestly with her, the cojones to admit herself, and the sense of hope that will see her through what is a bumpy journey through darkness to light. to get well is the brave choice.

i remember singing this song at the top of my lungs driving down perimeter road, valdosta, georgia, summer 1998.

the thin line between self-preservation and self-destruction

2008-10-23T11:07:00.009-04:00

ladies and gentleman, this is r.

r, these are the ladies and gentlemen who read my blog.

i'd been talking about wanting to invite folks to serve as contributors on my blog from time to time (navel-gazing gets old, wouldn't you agree?), and r volunteered.

"perfect!" i thought. "she's a helluva good writer AND was a screwy eater for years!"

r and i have been friends since her freshman year and my junior year in college. we were roommates for one year during which i think i can go so far as to say that r subsisted on Baked Lays, Diet Coke, and midnight runs, while i subsisted on Hamburger Helper (with extra cheese), regular Coke, and as an avid devotee of the Couch PotaTaoism Anti-Movement. r has struggled with her fair share of ED and body image issues, and she, after years of work and ups and downs, has finally come to a place of peace about it all. doesn't mean she still doesn't get pissed however when she sees unhealthy diet advice in the media.

1.) DON'T APOLOGIZE FOR SELF-PRESERVATION.
I told Jillian that some of my habits--flushing rice down the toilet so I won't eat it, bringing my own high-fiber bread to brunch--stirred some controversy on the blog. "Why?" she asked. "Why should we apologize for the practices that help us manage the symptoms while we deal with the real reasons we eat? I pour candle wax on my food at restaurants," Jillian admitted. "Not wanting to 'waste food' is a poor excuse for ending up far worse off later on, dealing with all the health problems that come with obesity."

I just stumbled on this blog by Margarita Bertsos called "Margarita Shapes Up," though most of the posts seem pretty fixated on weight loss only. It's for Glamour magazine, so I suppose I shouldn't be surprised at the weight-obsession.

This particular blog post centered on her meeting Jillian Michaels, one of the trainers from the reality show, "The Biggest Loser." If you don't know the show, it follows two teams of overweight "contestants" as they, as far as I can tell, go to extreme measures to lose enormous amounts of weight in an effort to be healthier and, of course, win a bunch of money. I confess I am both fascinated and repelled by the show- it's like what I imagine a "fat camp" to be like, yet I can't help but beam along with them each week as they (humiliatingly) step on this ginormous scale and find out they've lost 10 pounds in a week. Right. Healthy.

Anyway, this first tip shocked me. This is the kind of behavior, and justification of such, I used not only when I was in the thick of my "recovery" from anorexia, but also numerous times in my life when my disordered eating patterns were slithering back into place. Actually, I remember reading an article about some celebrity who said she dumped the contents of the salt shaker (servers LOVE her) on a dessert after a couple of bites so she wouldn't be tempted to eat more, and a lightbulb went off in my head- "why have I never thought of that?!?!" Of course, the magazine praised her discipline and ingenuity, much as Ms. Michaels does to Ms. Bertsos.

I love the seemingly sound reasoning here: "manage the symptoms while dealing with the real reasons we eat." While Ms. Michaels might be self-evolved enough to be dealing with the reasons she eats, the truth is most of us are not interested in why we binge, or starve, or purge. That's too hard, too painful, too intensive. No, we want someone to tell us how to get and stay skinny, and flushing food or pouring candle wax on our food in order to stop eating before we are truly satiated sounds like a pretty thorough way to do so. Much more final than say, throwing it in the garbage where it can be retrieved because YOU WEREN'T FINISHED, but felt guilty/ashamed/embarrassed for eating whatever it was. Yes, I have.

This is preservation, all right. It's maintaining the same sort of state of mind that focuses on what it looks like when you eat all the fries, order your own damn dessert, choose a salad when you really want the fish and chips. Cause if you say, "screw it, I'm eating what I really want this meal," you just might find yourself not worrying about exactly when to tip that candle over your plate. Might just find yourself not obsessing about your food AT ALL. That's a state worth preserving.

what do you think of jillian's advice?

and thank goodness for that.

2008-10-16T09:31:00.003-04:00

i was thinking about the trials and tribulations one goes through throughout one's life, and how, as you heal, you can usually find yourself laughing at circumstances (at some aspect at least) that were awful, horrible and miserable at the time. this riff on a popular adage came to mind:

that which does not kill us makes us stronger; and that which does not kill us will eventually make us laugh.

Patient Voices: Eating Disorders

2008-10-15T15:04:00.002-04:00

Barney Taxel for The New York Times, Darren Hauck/New York Times, Jeremy M. Lange for The New York Times, Ruth Fremson/The New York Times, Stuart Isett for The New York Times, Brendan Smialowski for The New York Times

haven't had a chance to read this yet, but a co-worker pointed it out to me, and i immediately wanted to share it with you. a multimedia package on The New York Times website called Patient Voices: Eating Disorders featuring "eight men, women and children (who) tell of their struggles with anorexia, bulimia and other forms of eating disorders." there's also a discussion board if you wanna get in on the conversation.

click here to check it out.

i'd be interested to hear your thoughts. i'll let you know mine once i listen and read.

parlez-vous fat talk?

2008-10-14T09:50:00.005-04:00

this week, october 13-17 is Fat Talk Free Week. that's right! NO FAT TALK. can you do it?

NO "oh my god, i'm so fat."

NO "oh my god, she's so fat."

NO "oh my god, what size are you?"

NO "oh my god, i'm doing The Zone/Atkins/Master Cleanse this week."

NO "oh my god, i haven't worked out this week. I feel HUGE."

you get the picture.

in junior high, if we'd tried this, my group of friends would have sat in silence for a full week. what else to discuss?

it's the sorority Tri-Delta that is responsible for introducing FTFW as well as for co-creating a wonderful body image intervention program called Reflections. i'm going to resist making a sorority girl joke because these women have done wonderful thing.

(what's a sorority girl's mating call? oh my god, i am SO DRUNK!)

turns out i couldn't resist. sorry.

check out this video, sign the pledge to abstain from Fat Talk and then forward the video to your friends. you can also sign up to receive a Daily Challenge every day this week. they also have this bold T-shirt for sale. i think i need it.

here's Monday's challenge:

Your Daily Challenge for October 13: The next time someone gives you a compliment, rather than objecting ("No, I'm so fat!"), practice taking a deep breath and saying, "Thank you."

i still struggle with that one. just ask The Cute. luckily, he gives me plenty of opportunities to practice.

( :

Bomb Locamotive Palin - that's me!

2008-10-07T10:22:00.001-04:00

and just for fun:

http://www.politsk.blogspot.com/

computer (and me) meltdown

2008-10-07T09:47:00.003-04:00

me, tyler, ethan and maddie

hi, gorgeous people!!!

i'll be back shortly. i went to michigan to visit my 'rents and my brother and his family all last week only to return to work yesterday to find that my hard drive has been almost completely wiped out in my absence.

what fucking FUN!!!

my point is, i am busy trying to rebuild my work life (what did we do before computers?), but i shall return once things get back to wee bit normal. forgive moi.

here's a silly question to ponder... if you were to die, and they were going to cast your most "you" body part in bronze to memorialize you, what would it be?

me? my nose. unmistakably me. or my calves. terrifyingly muscular and sinewy. genetics.

on my soapbox

2008-09-16T19:22:00.010-04:00

getty images

The Cute sent me this article "6 Food Mistakes Parents Make" from The New York Times this afternoon.

read it, please.

fascinating and informative reading whether you have kids or not. it certainly made me think about how i was raised re' food. i was always invited into the kitchen to help cook - this i credit with making me a pretty adventurous omnivore - but i was certainly pressured to eat or not to eat certain foods because they were either "good" or "bad" - and don't think i don't see the connection between those "bad" foods and the foods i later restricted or binged upon.

the article also made me think about how i might raise my own children - i know it's not a popular parenting view, but i don't plan on forbidding any food in my house. nothing. nada. that's the one part of the article i disagree with.

Other studies show that children whose food is highly restricted at home are far more likely to binge when they have access to forbidden foods.

The lesson for parents? Don’t bring foods that you feel the need to restrict into the house. Instead, buy healthful snacks and give children free access to the food cabinets.

aren't those two statements somewhat contradictory? if you don't allow certain foods into your home, they're restricted, and when that child encounters them outside of your home, they're likely to inhale them.

case in point: my friend A. we were friends since the 5th grade. her dad was the manager of a small grocery store in our town, so her kitchen cabinets were always full of a wide variety of "good" and "bad" foods including Little Debbie cakes, sugary cereals and storebought cookies. i never once saw or heard her mother tell her she couldn't have this or that food. the cabinets and the fridge were open to her at any time. she could have anything. she could eat pepperoni and Cheez-Whiz between two Chips-Ahoy for breakfast if she wanted to. i know. how awful! how dare her mother not watch over her diet like a hawk? well, wanna know what A's favorite food was? salad. wanna know what granola-and-fruit-juice-fed-me gorged on when i went over there to visit? i'm sure i don't have to tell you (although i'm sure i reaked of Oatmeal Cream Pies for days afterwards).

why restrict any food (and i'm not talking about children with diabetes or a similar issue)? just like adults, i truly believe that if you give a child a wide variety of foods to choose from, broccoli to brownies, and let them listen to their body and their hunger, they will make reasonable choices. don't believe me? watch a toddler with an ice cream cone. they don't have to finish it. they get full. they stop without being forced to. yes, some of us might have a greater propensity to develop eating problems, but i do believe, for the most part, that we really do learn disordered eating (this isn't my theory. smarter folks than i have studied it, written about it, practiced it. check out Preventing Childhood Eating Problems. i actually used its simple tenets in my own recovery).

anyway, i ramble. i also say all of this not having had children yet, so i know there might be a litany of "i told you sos" coming my way when i have my own little bean and all she wants to eat are those victuals that fall under the BEIGE food group. i can see myself now, paying her in Polly Pockets accessories just to PLEASE eat something, anything GREEN.

i was thrilled to see this as the 5th food mistake. thrilled, because people need to see this in print. i'm hoping that those who don't believe me when i say it, will believe The New York Times. they're like, way totally smarter than me:

Dieting in front of your children
Kids are tuned into their parents’ eating preferences and are far more likely to try foods if they see their mother or father eating them. A Rutgers study of parent and child food preferences found that preschoolers tended to like or reject the same fruits and vegetables their parents liked or didn’t like. And other research has shown girls are more likely to be picky eaters if their mothers don’t like vegetables.
Given this powerful effect, parents who are trying to lose weight should be aware of how their dieting habits can influence a child’s perceptions about food and healthful eating. In one study of 5-year-old girls, one child noted that dieting involved drinking chocolate milkshakes — her mother was using Slim-Fast drinks. Another child said dieting meant “you fix food but you don’t eat it.”
A 2005 report in the journal Health Psychology found that mothers who were preoccupied with their weight and eating were more likely to restrict foods for their daughters or encourage them to lose weight. Daughters of dieters were also more likely to try diets as well. The problem is, restrictive diets don’t work for most people and often lead to binge eating and weight gain. By exposing young children to erratic dieting habits, parents may be putting them at risk for eating disorders or a lifetime of chronic dieting. “Most mothers don’t think their kids are soaking up this information, but they are,” Dr. Birch said. “They’re teaching it to their daughters even though it doesn’t work for them.

do you remember your parents' dieting? do you think it affected your own attitude towards food and dieting? how? i'm interested to hear your thoughts.

wondering...

2008-09-08T16:09:00.002-04:00

when did "you're practically disappearing" become a compliment?

dis·ap·pear [dis-uh-peer]

1. to cease to be seen; vanish from sight.

2. to cease to exist or be known; pass away; end gradually: One by one the symptoms disappeared.

i overheard it said to someone on the elevator this afternoon, and it struck me as so sad that it could ever be considered a compliment, and yet it was definitely meant to be in this case, and the recipient certainly ruffled a bit with pride.

apartment-sitting beats babysitting.

2008-09-03T11:34:00.004-04:00

i don't know what's going on with me, but i know that all i want to do these days is cook for myself (this mainly means chopping vegetables to make this salad) and watch bad television (Whose Wedding is This Anyway? or Clean House anyone?). rather than freaking out and assuming that i have lost all ambition and will fade away into creative oblivion, i'm trying trying trying to just enjoy a little vacation away from my super-productive, list-making self.

we have to do that sometimes, yes?

it helps that i'm staying in the fabulous apartment of my dear friend J, who is away on safari for two weeks with his partner T. poor dears. i'm taking full advantage of the fully-equipped open kitchen, central air-conditioning and cable television. they didn't want to leave the apartment empty for that long so really, i'm doing them a favor. how will they ever repay me?

angry friday

2008-08-29T10:29:00.004-04:00

have you seen this shit? just the name pisses me off. made by Bliss Spa, i saw it yesterday when i was in Sephora, doing what every other woman was doing in there: preparing for a Thursday night out using free expensive makeup.

i literally gasped when i saw this on the shelves.

the blurb on the back of the FatGirlSleep is what really got my goat:

Get a full night's 'booty' sleep with this supercharged sister to our famed FatGirlSlim. Formulated with our encapsulated slenderiZZZe complex that releases dimple diminishers and soothing lavender for up to 6 hours, this ultra-rich cream helps make the most of your body's overnight restorative process. Good night, sleep 'tight' and don't let the bed 'blubs' bite.

"don't let the bed 'blubs' bite!!!" are you kidding?!?!?

and this comment from Susan, a FatGirlSleep user;

The emollient texture combined with the relaxing lavender scent sends me off to a dreamy sleep all the while working on my-well you know what.

"my-well you know what!"

your what? your vagina? oh no, you mean your CELLULITE because THAT is certainly a very, very dirty word right up there with STRETCH MARKS and LOVE HANDLES and BELLY BULGE.

i'm so happy i don't know Susan. i might punch her.

i don't have a problem with the cream per se. at certain times in my life, when i'm feeling less than toned and lovely, i might very well give this sort of cream a shot. i really don't care if it's all about the placebo effect. sometimes the placebo effect is worth the money, but please, don't call me FAT and don't talk to me like i'm an asshole.

bliss. blissfully ridiculous.

i don't want my work to have PMS though.

2008-08-25T13:27:00.003-04:00

i'll be back. i'm busy conjurin' creativity.

in the meantime, read this post about 10 Ways to Infuse Your Work with Your Personality by Keri Smith if you're an artist... or just a human bean interested in living artistically, and aren't we all when it comes down to it? you can't fool me. we all still jones for that Crayola box of 64.

tip #8 i found incredibly useful since i am now in the process of sending out size ate postcards to local universities. it can often feel like such miserable, money-grubbing work. sure, making money and building a business are PARTS of it, but it's not It. i have something incredibly valuable and worthy to share when it comes to my show and my voice!

8. Don't promote to target your audience. By all means send things out into the world, but don't think in terms of "promoting to get work". Send stuff out because -you're proud of it, -you want to share something with the world, -it's fun to get mail, -to have good karma, -you want to spread your germs, -you like licking stamps. Try sending a postcard of something you made for fun, (i.e. directions on how to make a finger puppet). When thinking of subject matter for promotions look to your current life. If you deal with topics that are important to you a piece will have much more life to it.

it's all how you look at it, isn't it?

2008-08-13T22:14:00.005-04:00

i read this last night, and it struck me, so i thought i'd share it with you:

Opportunity is nowhere. Opportunity is now here.

shift your perspective. sit in a different place in the company lunchroom. go commando when you usually wear granny panties. take a different route to work. try the fiddleferns on the menu. opportunities might present themselves through the teeny tiny cracks you couldn't see from where you've been sitting. sometimes it just takes a subtle movement. i mean, look what happens to the phrase above with one tiny tap on the spacebar.

suddenly the night sky opens up and stars tumble in.

i've been trying to do this lately. make tiny changes to shift my perspective eeeeever so slightly. i hate it. i resent it. i hate change. change is terrifying. change is excruciating. i hate change, but i also know that change is necessary. i think i also read somewhere, and i may have even posted about it on this blog already, but again... and i paraphrase, if you're not changing, you're dead. i hate change, but i hate the idea of being dead more. change is LIFE. best to get comfortable with it. or maybe it's best to get comfortable with being uncomfortable with change.

late bloomer... and that's just fine.

2008-08-11T20:26:00.004-04:00

taking a bit of a summer breather, but shall return, but while i'm gone, a new site i've found that i'm loving: http://mistymawn.typepad.com/

i'm even considering going to a workshop she's co-presenting in Oaxaca in december. i'm asking the universe to help me find, create, receive the money needed to go. it would be the one and only true vacation i've ever taken (that didn't involve family and/or a wedding), and the workshop involves creating a personal artistic journal. i've been offered the opportunity to publish size ate the play, but i've resisted, feeling deep down that the size ate book that gets published needs to be something that is more of an experience that just a book. it will be very visual and engaging. it will contain personal and collaborative art work and activities to be completed by the reader. my show is not a typical one-woman show. it bounces around and is a veritable theatrical collage. the accompanying book that WILL EVENTUALLY GET PUBLISHED (positive thinking!) should be the same. anywho, my point in bringing this up is that i'm hoping this workshop would be the start of a size ate book and workbook to accompany the show. fingers crossed.

one quick thought: spent sunday afternoon with a dear friend of mine who just turned 29. folks were joking with her,

"oh, one more year, and it's all over!"

"what!?" i said with not a little pissiness. "the thirties are SO much better than the 20s. i like myself physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually and intellectually now so much more than i did when i was in my 20s. you couldn't PAY me to go back."

and frankly, it only keeps getting better. by 80, i'll be about ready to bloom and bungee jump.

yes!

2008-08-06T17:14:00.001-04:00

all of the pleasure, none of the environmental guilt.

click here.

wholeness

2008-08-01T20:33:00.004-04:00

my friend laura sent me an online greeting card from Bone Sigh Arts today. i went to the website to check out the rest of the art and found this new print that struck a big ol' chord with me (click the pic for a better view).

here's how the little girl who is me feels today:

america the beautiful: the documentary

2008-07-31T09:36:00.005-04:00

i went to see the new documentary by Darryl Roberts last night called America the Beautiful. it's a fascinating, terrifying, entertaining and educational look into America's obsession with beauty and the price we pay for that (if that seems like a broad description well, the scope of the movie is broad). what's even more fascinating is that the documentary is written, directed and produced by A GUY and funded by three other GUYS. i love that! he explains a little more about why he was drawn to making this movie on his blog.

anyway... GO SEE IT! it's opening in NYC tomorrow August 1 at Cinema Village, and will open in a number of other cities very soon. click here for listings.

see it because it's educational and entertaining (and if you can't feel comfy eating a 12 pound bucket of buttered popcorn while watching THIS film, when can you?), but also see it because the more people who go out NOW to see it, the more distribution the film will get, and then even more folks will get see it, and this film needs to be seen.

eye-opening.

thank you, darryl. i bet your mama's proud.

what i did last night

2008-07-29T11:40:00.003-04:00

made this zucchini bread.

watched this remarkable video.

i highly recommend both.

napkins recommended to catch errant crumbs and tears.

could the jeans be higher-waisted?

2008-07-28T13:19:00.005-04:00

all four of us girls greatly contributed to the depletion of the ozone layer with the creation of those hairdos (note the Diet 7up in hand).

looking at this picture makes me a wee sad, and it has nothing to do with the acid-washed denim, brick wall bangs or the Sun-In bleached hair - although all of that is bloody awful too.

this picture was taken about a year after my first flirtation with anorexia. by this time, i was seemingly well-adjusted, at a healthy weight and into my first year of high school. yet if cameras could freeze thoughts as well as images, and you could peel back the photo and peer into my mind, you'd see a mind graffiti'd with a litany of lamentations. SO UGLY. SO FAT. SO DUMB. SO UNPOPULAR. and yet, there i was... so pretty, so healthy, so smart, so popular, but completely unable to see it. blind to it. just about how a freshmen girl in high school is supposed to feel, i know, and i don't know that you can raise a daughter who won't ever experience a lick of self-hatred or self-doubt, but i just wish i could step into this picture, sidle up to 14-year old me, and whisper into her ear:

it gets better, beautiful girl, i promise.

let's trade places for a week and see how you feel about that statement.

2008-07-24T09:43:00.005-04:00

this morning, on the subway ride in, i'm standing up holding on to one of the poles. there's a guy sitting down next to me. he seems a little out of it, but i figure he's just tired and undercaffeinated on a weekday morning.

like me.

fifteen minutes into the train ride, he leans over to the woman sitting next to him and says:

hold my seat, would you? i gotta go pee.

she looks at him and sort of gives him a combination shake and nod of her head. not wanting to piss him off, i guess, by saying no, and not wanting to commit to holding this guy's seat on a crowded train.

now, he declares:

"just hold my seat for a few minutes while i go pee."

again, she says nothing. just looks at him through her fluttering eyelashes, playing dumb.

i'm sorry, i'm a woodnymph from the Forest of Everlasting, i don't speak human. where do the fairies live in this city?

at this point, he gets up, and i think i'm being helpful by saying to this guy, who must be an out-of-towner:

"hey, there aren't bathrooms on the subway trains."

"i knooooow..."

and now i know from the stench, that this guy is drunk.

"i need you guys to hold my seat while i go pee in the space between the trains."

right.

and i giggle to myself, because it was just last night that my friend L from sweet, green, magnolia-sprinkled valdosta, georgia said to me via Facebook chat, "your life seems so glamorous in NYC!"

indeed.

really?

2008-07-22T21:30:00.003-04:00

American Apparel's Nylon Tricot Suspender Swimsuit

i mean... REALLY?

but why?

wisdom is where you find it

2008-07-21T20:49:00.004-04:00

i was headed to a dentist's appointment a few weeks ago to pick up my SECOND $500 nightguard (you are not you surprised to hear that i grind my teeth at night).

i get off at the 53rd + fifth avenue stop. i'm riding up a really loooooong escalator from the subway to the street exit, when some ambitious young lad takes the stairs.*

(i used to be The One who took the stairs, and i don't mean a few stairs, the it-will-actually-take-me-less-time-to-take-the-stairs-so-why-not stairs, but i mean the 150 steps stairs that NO ONE TAKES EVER unless the escalator is dead. i got a lot of who-the-hell and why-the-hell looks on a 90 degree days when i'd trudge up the stairs in my little black work shoes and my little black pencil skirt, eyes fixed, lips pursed, breath controlled. i loved the looks.

BECAUSE I'M BETTER THAN YOU, THAT'S WHY, my thoughts were screaming.

like many eating disorderlies, i fancied myself immortal, special, incapable of feeling pain or discomfort. needless, therefore... better than all you humans).

now, i ride the escalator. it feels GREAT to step aside and let those who want to walk up the escalator do so.

please! go right ahead.

anyway, this lad is leaping to the top of the stairwell, and we're all watching in a combination of awe and annoyance.

show off.

just as guy is getting to the top of the escalator, this homeless man - skin the color of milk chocolate, head surrounded by a corona of crazy gray hair and beard - steps onto the down escalator, takes one contemplative look at the guy dashing up the stairs, turns to the rest of us and shouts, like a king addressing his subjects:

REPEAT AFTER ME: EXERCISE? BAAAAD. MASSAGE? GOOOOOOOD. EXERCISE? BAD. MASSAGE? GOOOOOOD. NOW, GO GET ONE.

*in the NYC subway, if there's an escalator, there's usually a set of stairs right next to it. you see plenty of folks dashing down the stairs, but rarely up. some of those suckers are LONG.

my own little river map

2008-07-18T09:33:00.005-04:00

this morning, as i'm getting dressed in front of the bathroom mirror, the sunlight streaming through the window hits my body in such a way so that the fine, white striations on my hips are more pronounced.

i stop. i stare. i gently touch them, delicate little white ribbons weaving across my hips and onto my inner thighs.

"oh, my poor little stretch marks."

i'm sure there will come a day in the not too distant future when i am not so well-rested nor so well-balanced, and i will see these marks as gross and unattractive. i will try to rid my body of them via copious slatherings of cocoa butter and vigorous exfoliations, but for today, i like them. welcome them. they are evidence of a life lived imperfectly, and a body and soul that has adapted.

"thank you."

a reaction of gratitude and compassion instead of disgust. this is a good day indeed.

blackmail on a sunday morning.

2008-07-14T20:39:00.004-04:00

these are my cousins's kids. the two boys have their t-shirts wrapped around their heads "ninja-style," i was told (i thought it was more evocative of a chador, but i'm doubting that that was the intent).

see the super-scary ninja in the center? the one w/ the red hood? grandma char has a rather impressive collection of clip-on earrings. turns out super-scary ninjas like to wear them up their nose. part of their "shock and awe" approach to attack, i presume.

i took a bunch of pictures of them, they were all scrambling to see them, and eager for me to take more.

i told Red, "yeah, this is cool when you're nine, but in five years, you so won't want your friends seeing this picture."

which is totally why i'm saving it on my hard drive.

i guess i can take the canned goods out of my backpack then.

2008-07-11T12:30:00.009-04:00

i'm headed off to baltimore this weekend (via the fancy, schmancy greyhound bus) to visit my aunt char, uncle rick and cousins. my cousin B is leaving in the next few weeks to teach high school for a year in the boondocks of alaska (are there boondocks in alaska?). i wanted to visit before he left.

aunt char is my dad's sister. my dad was a professional football player. my aunt char married a professional football player. my mom and dad had two boys and one baby girl. my aunt char and uncle rick had two boys and one baby girl. i'm the baby and B is the middle kid, so i'm not sure why it worked out the way it did, but B and i are the more unconventional ones of our respective families, so i guess i feel a special kinship with him. we have both stared down some personal demons pretty publicly, and we both never felt quite right about hanging around our hometowns or settling down like our sibs (we are, what you might call, "late bloomers"). i took off for concrete jungle of nyc and he took off for the sugary beaches of southern california. i guess i've sort of "settled" a bit in nyc, but he's off again to the wilderness of alaska, and he's super-pumped about it.

anyway, he's a one cool guy with a strong sense of self-awareness and humility, and i will miss our late night conversations in the kitchen about politics and education.

i called my aunt this morning to discuss when i might arrive.

"if i take the 2:30 bus i'll get there at 6pm. is that okay? i can come later if you want me to so you guys don't have to drive in rush hour traffic to come get me."

"i don't care. 6 is fine."

"great."

"and we have food."

some things never change.

2008-07-04T14:24:00.007-04:00

my brother Lance sent me a copy of the Christmas letter my mom sent out in 1978. this is what she had to say about me (click the image to see it fully):

notice "loves cleaning" was not included in the list.

oops! missed a hip.

2008-07-03T12:01:00.003-04:00

http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/2008/06/zoo-shadow-of-doubt.html

the guy who was doing the photoshopping got so distracted by imogen's brand-spankin' new tatas, he couldn't finish the job. i'm sure he finished, ifyaknowhatimean, but he didn't finish this.

(thanks, r.)

getting my brownie ass on.

2008-07-03T00:22:00.009-04:00

an im chat with my bro from this afternoon. referencing this post, of course.
4:42 PMbro: are you eating a "big" salad today

me: ha.

HUGE baked potato and veggies.

bro: just saw the post

are you going to eat it all

me: already did.

and a brownie

so there.

4:42 PM bro: you should probably go work out then

me: ha

or vomit.

bro: whatever it takes...you don't want brownie ass

me: lol

brownie ass

bro: i'm just joking

4:43 PM me: i know.

i DO have a sense of humor about it all

most of the time anyway.

something about this chat is endearing to me. something about my brother's ability to joke about it means he gets It... most of the time anyway.

kinda like when he told me a couple of years ago, after i'd started the blog and after i'd done the show in NYC:

"ya know, i don't call you Margox because i think you're big like an ox or anything."

(i did know that.)

sweet, right? in the only way that brothers - who know who you are, where you've come from and how old you were when you stopped wetting the bed - sweet in the way only brothers know how to be... just before they lock you in the closet.

if you can't think of anything nice to say, don't comment on my lunch.

2008-06-25T17:01:00.004-04:00

last friday afternoon, i got onto the elevator with my lunch. a plastic carton i'd filled up at our company's overpriced salad bar. i ride the elevator for a couple of floors. the elevator stops. a guy gets on.

it's friday. it's sunny. i'm in a good mood. i am friend to Everyman. sprinkling my sparkly cheer on any who come into my company. awkward silence in the elevator? no sirree! i won't have it! i am friendly! i make everyone comfortable! i will not stare at my shoes! i will not stare at the floor numbers as they change, feigning fascination with oh my! the pretty lights!

14, 13, 12, 11, 10.

"hi," i say.

"hi," he says.

i rest in a self-satisfied pause.

then he ruins it all. he looks at my lunch and says:

"wow. that's a BIG salad."

and i swear he says it as if he's never seen the likes of such a monstrous salad. so incredulous he is, i might as well have an entire double chocolate fudge cake heaving in my arms.

and frankly, that is my goddamn business and would be perfectly acceptable and fine too! BECAUSE IT'S MY FOOD, MY BODY AND MY CHOICE, and if MY BODY needs an entire chocolate cake, it needs an entire chocolate cake, and if MY BODY needs a 4,000 pound salad it needs a 4,000 pound salad sans commentary from YOU, mr. weeny man. i know you. you, who ate a smooth peanut butter (b/c the crunchy kind hurts your wittle, tiny, baby-sensitive gums) and grape jelly sandwich on white bread while sitting at your computer, crumbs dropping between the keys. you are the person whose keyboard we are all afraid to touch.

well! now i'm just being judgmental.

no matter.

FOOD COMMENTATOR. i hate food commentators.

wow, are you eating ALL OF THAT?

wow, is that ALL YOU'RE EATING?

i try to be understanding. he works in the Technology department of my company. he's pale and wan and awkward. maybe he's uncomfortable in this small, confined space, alone with a living, breathing being that and has boobs and smells like flowers and SweetTarts, but seriously, is this all he can think of to say?

so many other options.

like...

nothing. absolutely nothing is sooo much better.

oh, right. fun.

2008-06-19T11:58:00.002-04:00

Today, I will stop struggling so hard. I will let go of my belief that life and recovery have to be hard. I will replace it with a belief that I can walk this journey in ease and peace. And sometimes, it can actually be fun.

from The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie.

you can actually get the daily thoughts for a day at this website. i have the book by my bed. actually, i think it's under my bed. it's way easier to go to the website than to retrieve the book. i risk losing an arm to rabid dust bunnies.

for that passive-aggressive baby shower hostess

2008-06-17T20:13:00.005-04:00

in an attempt to find some inspiration for a cute though not saccharine sweet baby shower corsage, i stopped by my neighborhood party store. i want to make something that's pretty, but something with a little wit, but something that doesn't involve baby socks or pacifiers or wet ones.

yes, i am making a baby shower corsage. i actually, seriously, no-joke googled "baby shower corsage that will not make you gag," in hopes that maybe there was some woman out there who was faced with a similar dilemma, solved it wittily yet prettily, and then blogged about it.

no dice.

so i went into the party store, and i didn't find much inspiration, but i did find this cake topper. it's not the best pic in the world (a better one here), but it's a figurine of a pretty darn slim pregnant woman (excepting her protruding belly) who has broken a scale because she's SO FREAKING HUGE.

i'm throwing a party to celebrate the birth of your beautiful miracle baby, you earth mother, you. i've baked you a big beautiful cake (your favorite flavor and icing), and now, i'm just gonna put this little figurine on top to remind you just HOW MUCH WEIGHT YOU'VE GAINED. now, go on, eat as much you want! it's okay! you're eating for TWO!

it bugs. and for a moment i thought maybe i was being oversensitive, but i did a quick google search looking for a better pic, and i found this. ah ha! commiseration is a fine thing indeed. i love the internetikins. i want to pinch its cheeks.

she has a home gym.

2008-06-16T20:40:00.004-04:00

The Cute and i had dinner with some friends last night in fort greene, brooklyn. on the walk there, i saw this sign and immediately felt the need to take a picture.

as i fumble with my phone, The Cute:

"babe, i believe they're referring to Jamaican beef patties, not Patty who lives down the street."

this is my dresser.

2008-06-13T21:57:00.002-04:00

i think i need a new one.

thanksgiving in june.

2008-06-10T23:17:00.007-04:00

thanks be to jesus!

two things to be thankful for:

ONE:

the heat wave has broken. we are now lollygagging about in temperatures in the lower 80s.

on the way to the subway tonight, e and i discuss:

"it's going to be the early-80s tomorrow."

"really? does this mean i'll wake up with feathered bangs and wearing Jordache jeans?"

TWO:

ADELE.

if you haven't heard her, seen her, you should. i just saw her live tonight at the Highline Ballroom here in NYC. not only does she have an amazing voice that channels the soul goddesses of the 60s, she's only about 6-years old. (not true. she's just turned 20 on may 5. OMG! my grandma betty's birthday!). she's still a wee uncomfortable onstage - she sort of reminds me of me when i was a freshmen theater major in monologue class:

but what do i do with these things called HANDS? i swear i've never noticed them before! get them OFF!

but you just don't care. she's so damned charming, what with her bouncy, British accent and her little peasant top (with a Spanx underneath, she told us) and her fake eyelashes and her "mum" in the audience. her singing voice is similar to that of Amy Winehouse, but she's still very much her own artist and woman.

and did you notice? she's round, and curvy, and downright ample. i like seeing that. a round, curvy, beautiful woman selling out two nights at a popular NYC music venue. now... if they'd only show her entire body (not just her face) in her music videos. see?

and here.

grow some 'nads, music industry.

the sundress legacy.

2008-06-09T19:33:00.009-04:00

flounce proudly.

i'm astonished, really. how quickly it comes back. you think you've conquered it. shoved it down into the innards, and yet.

doo do doo do, doo do doo do, doo do doo do...

it's like the goddamn Twilight Zone.

everyone's being an asshole because their buttcheeks are chafing and their pores are clogging in this miserable heat, but i'm somehow managing to take it personally.

is it because i'm ugly? is it because i'm fat? is it because of that zit on my left cheek?

seriously? um. no. suffering from delusions of grandeur, my dahlin'? everyone here is preoccupied with their misery - just like you - so shove some ice cubes into your C-cup and SNAP OUT OF IT!

nyc is having a bit of a heat wave. temps hit 100 today, and this past weekend was pretty awful too. on sunday, after The Cute (poor dear) drenched himself in sweat fixing the ice cube maker, we sat down at the kitchen table and stared at one another over a batch of homemade Bloody Marys. communication limited to vigorous eye movements and motionless-speaking worthy of a ventriloquist. movement permitted only to 1. visit the air-conditioned bedroom or 2. shower... again.

and NO TOUCHING.

i don't do well in heat, or rather, i haven't done well in the heat in the past. i've gotten much better, but it has always brought up so much body angst for me. hot and sticky weather means to me 1. hot, swollen body and 2. less clothing.

FAT-FEELING BODY!!! LESS CLOTHING!!! a torturous combination for someone trying to get comfortable with her body.

but then, i think, what would the challenge be in 365 days of big sweaters and courduroys? nada much.

over the past couple of years, i've relaxed a bit. gotten more comfy in my skin, gotten more comfy showing more skin. it's nice to move through the world with less body shame, and i consider the wearing of a certain summer staple one of the many bonuses of being a girl.

WE GET TO WEAR DRESSES!!! NA NA NI BOO BOO!!!

it is completely culturally-acceptable, daresay expected, for us womenfolk to wear light, flouncy (read: cool) dresses when the temperatures soar. i'm not suggesting you dress to please anyone other than yourself, but these days, i choose to weather heat waves donning strappy sundresses and flouncy tunics rather than my summer uniform of yore: heavy cotton XL t-shirts and jeans.

i swear their are boobs somewhere in this sea of jersey knit. hold on a sec, i'll find one for ya.

my body is far from perfect, and i obviously still struggle with some body anxiety when it comes to summer attire. so what makes it different now? what makes it easier now?

hm.

i think it has something to do with the fact that these days, my own physical well-being is mucho more important-o to my emotional well-being than what other people think of me... and my arms... and my ass... and that zit on my left cheek. sure, it might still feel like it matters sometimes, but a whole helluva lot less. these days, it's more about how i feel in the world, not about how i think they feel about my being in it.

actually, it's The Cute who's pointed out the Sundress Legacy to me on a number of occasions. me, on a hot summer's day, slipping into a light, airy confection of a summer dress, and he struggling into yet another pair of PANTS: those sartorial contraptions that cover both legs in material from hip to heel.

you girls are lucky.

yes, yes we are. not totally fair, i'll grant you, but then neither was that not being able to vote for the first 100+ years of the republic. i'll consider this a fair trade, thanks.

i have to go shopping now.

sausage grows on trees.

2008-06-08T15:16:00.000-04:00

i. want. this. album.

(thanks, nina).

shhh... i'm hunting bunny wabbits.

2008-06-03T19:33:00.004-04:00

i just felt like posting this picture of me and my brothers from 1979. my sweet brother lance is scanning a bunch of pics for me (to possibly use on my website). i loved that miss piggy t-shirt more than life. not more than the two boys pictured here though.. even though they claim they dropped me on my head more than once. on purpose.

have you seen these? i saw an ad for these on the subway the other day. gut feeling?

JESUS H. CHRIST. LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE. MY FLIP FLOPS HAVE TO WORK ME OUT???!!!

can't wait for a tampon that will do the same.

i'm gonna be quiet for a while. redesigning the website, writing new content for the website, designing postcards for a mailing to area colleges to drum up (fingers crossed!) some more shows in the fall. i'm busy.

or am i?

oh, i dunno.

i'm feeling a little creatively challenged these days. doubting myself, my abilities. my reasons for doing this show and blog have changed so significantly over the past 3 years, i think it's smart for me to take a step back and really evaluate what it is i want this show and blog to do... for you guys, the readers, as well as for me.

i SWEAR i'm not disappearing. i just think now is the time.

(begs the question: isn't NOW always the time? wish i could always remember that.)

take it easy; you just expelled a human.

2008-05-29T16:40:00.004-04:00

such a lovely note over a mighty girl. fucking j-lo and all those women in their pre-pregnancy clothes within a month.

http://mightygirl.com/2008/05/29/a-brief-note-about-pregnancy/

and i'll be back soon. filling the well, people, filling the well.

eaten more brownies maybe.

2008-05-12T19:41:00.009-04:00

yesterday was mother's day. yes, my mother's dead. yes, that sucks, but it was hardly "a thing" for me this year. just wasn't. i did have a think or two as i was making my round of calls to all 200 of the surrogate mothers i have out there about how very much it sucks to have a dead mother, but on the bright side, there is one thing in the world that i cannot forget to do! call my mother on mother's day. i am exempt.

then my friend ebetta sent me a link to this article in The New York Times and i about wanted to throw myself onto the office floor and weep for my moooommmmmmeeeeeeeeee.

i didn't, but i wanted to. mothers are supposed to be here as you leap over life's hurdles to hug you, support you, criticize you, antagonize you. i know that when i get married, i'll be surrounded by a whole bevy of surrogate mother hens alternately praising and criticizing every choice i make, but it won't be the same as if it were her.

and then of course there's this blog and that whole show i wrote, and i started thinking about how my mom affected how i think about my body and how i eat. something i haven't really thought that much about before, or i guess i have, but when i have thought about it, i've thought,

oh, we were a very well-fed family. mom never restricted my food. if i wanted seconds of dessert, i got 'em. (i do recall having to eat my salad however. iceberg lettuce, slices of cucumber, orange-in-a-bad-way tomatoes and Kraft Creamy Cucumber dressing, thankyeverymuch!). she never told me i was too chubby or too thin or too anything. i was always "muscular" (which, i have to say, never felt like much of a compliment when i couldn't fit into those damned slim-fitting Jordache jeans my best friend Stacey wore with such ease).

my mother was very intent, it seems, on NOT giving me a complex.

and yet. here i am. writing this blog. doing my show.

to quote my eloquent father, "bitch, bitch, bitch."

the other day, i met with three women who work for a non-profit organization that deals with eating disorders. i was presenting my show to them in hopes of partnering with them in some way someday in the future. one of the women asked if i had any family members with an eating disorder.

"uh, no. (insert response above sans parentheticals). i mean, not that i know of."

she went on to say that sometimes eating disorders are not so readily apparent.

"you know, the 'i've been eating all day while i've cooked, so i'm not going to eat anything' sort of thing."

ah yes. that. i've done that. did my mom do that? i can't recall. perhaps i lost her too young to notice that sort of thing.

i do recall, at age three, my parents putting me in my first royal blue, string bikini and then telling me to hold my stomach in.

"hold your stomach in and pinch a penny between your cheeks."

at three.

and then, on another day, i remember walking into my parents bedroom, stomach sucked in so that you could plainly see the keyboard of my ribs. i gasped, proudly:

"look, mom and dad. i'm sucking in, and i can still breathe."

they laughed as one laughs at 3-year olds who are trying to adopt an adult behavior. dysfunctional or no. isn't that cute?

and then i recall my mom always runningrunningrunning. and then the series of crunches she'd do after the runningrunningrunning. i always assumed the runningrunningrunning was for fitness, but now, looking back, it's hard for me to think that there wasn't an additional, um, cosmetic reason for her long distance hobby. no one ever said as much, but it's hard for me not to think so now; knowing what i know now about my family's tendency to equate one's physical appearance with one's moral fortitude, knowing how our dining room table heaved with gigantic portions of food meant to satisfy pro-football player-sized appetites, and knowing that my mom's identity was more than a little wrapped up in maintaining her Homecoming Queen standard of beauty... even after three kids. knowing all of this, it's hard for me to think something else wasn't going on... too.

i remember thinking what a hottie my mom was, and wanting her to dress the part. my mom was a big sunbather (i am not, and you'd better not be either, young lady!), but she refused to wear a bikini. she did have one though. a hot pink one, that i always, always, always begged her to wear when we'd visit my grandparents down in Naples, FL. she wouldn't.

she hated her belly. she told me so.

i spent years hating my belly. because she told me so?

i mean, is that a coincidence? nah. of course not.

now don't get your panties in a wad, i'm not dissing my dead mother. although, yes, it did sort of feel WRONG as i typed those last few senteces. am i BLAMING MY DEAD MOTHER for all of my problems?

someone take away her motherless daughter badge, she deserves no sympathy from us!

ya know, when someone's dead, they sort of assume a deified status in the world of the living, so it's mighty hard to say anything remotely negative about them for fear that it will sound like you're disrespecting them. i think that's just dumb. turning a blind eye out of respect for the dead does us living folks NO GOOD. those dead people? they're DEAD. they don't care. i'm not disrespecting my mom. i'm commiserating with her. as a matter of fact, i think i'm honoring her by learning from her life - the good, the bad, and the ugly. i don't know much about my mom, but i know that she'd want me to. i know that much.

and i know that she'd want my little girl to love her belly, and me too for that matter. i'm sure there's some perspective that comes with dying. i highly doubt, as my mom slipped to the other side, that she thought to herself: i really wish i'd done more crunches.

happy day.

2008-05-10T11:59:00.003-04:00

if i could do it over again, i'd have learned how to play the piano, and been a singer songwriter like this one.

oh. and a ballerina. a healthy, eating ballerina. mainly for the tutus and tiaras and beribboned shoes.

happy saturday. coffee calls.

an observation

2008-05-08T10:43:00.007-04:00

although you might lose weight in your face, you cannot lose weight in your nose. it is inevitable that your nose will look bigger as your face gets thinner, or your nose will look smaller as your face gets rounder.

my point is: if it's not something, it's something else. cover your bases. love every bit of yourself any which way.

2008-05-06T11:32:00.003-04:00

i'm not sure what this says about me, but i really, really, really want this Disney Couture (seriously) necklace. there is a hefty dose of tack that keeps poking its bleach blond noggin through my ever-peeling veneer of class. i can't kill it. i've tried. glitter is my drug of choice.

blame my parents. they had white shag carpeting in their bedroom.